Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear DR Phil, I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was having a wank I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

   Wanna lose weight? Try the grapefruit diet. Eat something...follow with half a grapefruit. Eat something else...half a grapefruit. So far today I've had 94 grapefruits.

   On the 4th day of rioting my tru love gave to me, 3 Nike trainers, two ps3's, and a samsung HDTV !

   Completed 19 yrs in this life.,.,., but will always be "18 TILL I DIE"

   Just heard Obama is going on a 9-day vacation, I just assumed he's been on vacation.

   Good News! Gas is supposed to drop under $3/gal! Now we can afford to drive by the job we used to have, the home we used to own & the bank we used to have money in....

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself

   So...... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics?

   Well-behaved people rarely make history.

   I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

   Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute.

   Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself.

   What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates.

   Wow, some people will do anything for a "like" on Facebook. Anyways if you agree like my status.

   The benefit of always going in to work late is that when you're on time, people think you're early.

   Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.

   May those who love us love us, and those who do not love us, may God turn their hearts, and if He cannot turn their hearts may He turn their ankles that we may know them by their limping.