Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In the 80s and 90s we had Government Cheese. What is next Salami?

   Ok I understand Food Stamps are for people who can't afford food. I can't afford GAS where is my fuel stamps???

   You know, even after all these years, Stacy's mom has still got it going on.

   Though accurate, "I Need Sleep Or I'll Kill You," doesn't have quite the same ring as "Beauty Rest."

   You ever had a gut feeling about having an empty stomach?

   There are three very important things you can always give but still keep at the same time...Your word, a smile and your heart

   Talk about others and you're a gossip. Talk about yourself and you're a bore.

   the only time "looks aren't everything" is when your credit score is higher than 720

   I won't say this Jack in the Box is dirty, but there's a sign in the restroom that says "Employees Must Wipe Their Asses."

   Just like a magnet, you can always link a postive to every negative.

   For all you crying babies that don't like "government",or "government is to big",move to Somalia,no "government there for the last 20 years

   I switched the neighbor's dog chew toy with the voodoo doll I made of my ex. Now I wait...

   sexy, seductive and invincible ...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind

   A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident,

   Please don't make me go all CAPS LOCK on your a$$.

   I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts...

   In successful relationships, no one wears the pants.

   You know your vacation sucks when you're constantly writing updates about it on Facebook.

   asked by his wife to buy her something that goes from 0 to 80 in less than 5 seconds for her birthday...but she didn't like the weighing scale I got her.

   im not sure how to say this but I'm gonna say it the only way I know how but...I wanna have sex Katy Perry.