Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank goodness no one can see what I have open on my other tabs while on Facebook. All I have to do is make sure I don't accidently hit like.

   My heart has a combination lock on it,figure out the code and you can have whats inside <3

   I noticed the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked at him and he waved...next time wave with all ALL your fingers!!

   so sick of double standards. If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a "ho"...bu​t if a guy does the same thing, he's "gay".

   needs some comfort food.. Oh wait! I ate it already.. :-/

   i can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record, I can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record...

   in a land of chimpanzees I was a monkey

   apparently I celebrated International Beer Day Eve a little to much last night

   McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'

   I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one

   Never date a girl whose father calls her "Princess." Chances are.. she believes it

   Just once when the trainer asks one of the background people in the workout video how he's doing, I want him to respond: "I'm exhausted - you're a fu*king lunatic"

   When my therapist said I needed supervision, I thought I was getting a super power

   we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

   Maybe the economy wouldn't seem so bad if we put happier pictures on money. Like George Washington on a jetski.

   takes wine in a box to a whole different level

   The grass IS greener on the other side, but the gardener does not always show up.

   Does anyone else find F5 to be a very refreshing button to press?

   Its Funny How Some People Worry More About What Others Think Then What They Feel . . [ </3 ]

   My name is __________ and my goal is to make you smile.