Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best things in life are free...............So how many kittens do you want?

   If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.

   In life, the woman saying " it cant be done" is always interrupted by the woman doing it...that woman is ME:)

   Just when I thought my dream was real... the the wife crawls out of the hole and wants to start talking...

   My wife says I dont listen to her or something like that.

   The grass isnt always greener on the other side...its greener where you choose to water it:)

   i only drive one kind of stick...and it isnt standard ;)

   Final Destination 5 ,, you would think they would have gotten there by now .

   So... I noticed this tough guy on the bus wearing the same Pantera t-shirt for three straight days. Today he was wearing a Slayer shirt... Thank God for laundry day!

   One womans trash is...well, just trash! Women dont throw away things that have real value ;)

   People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.

   Beyond tired right now.. everytime I blink I'm pretending its a mini nap

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.

   The next time I go to chruch.. I'm bringin my own wine and crackers!

   I tasted my own medicine. It's bacon flavored and hallucinogenic. Thanks for the advice!

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.