Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was afraid the first time I went parachuting. The instructor said if I didn't jump, he'd stick his manhood where the sun doesn't shine. I jumped. A little.

   Bush's "recession" was a lot better than Obama's "recovery".

   New concept: Thinking of writing a book that will be nowhere near as good as the movie.

   "Betty Crocker rocks out with her crock out." That one's a freebie, General Mills. Hit me up.

   Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had..

   Changing the wording to my previous post doesn't make the previous status any funnier

   There are many paths on the journey to find the right person to be with, but I think we all have chosen the PSYCHOpath at some point in our lives!

   It seems this town is full of exhausted plumbers, well that is what I think they are anyway... Their pants are drooping off and their hats are turned sideways.... Take a rest guys

   The feeling when you leave behind something and realize it only when its too late

   The government today, announced that it's changing it's emblem from a Bald Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government 's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects

   According to the most recent available financial statements, Apple Inc. has more cash on hand—over $76 billion—than the U.S. Treasury. That's why I've taken all my cash and converted it to safe, stable iTunes gift cards.

   I can't sleep. There's nothing on TV except the Home Shopping Club, so I called 'em. They answer, "Home Shopping Club!" I said, "Hi." They said, "Can we help you?" I go, "Nah, I'm just looking."

   Million Dollar Idea: A pot pie. Only bigger. And filled instead with fruit. Apples perhaps.

   It's taken me awhile but I think I'm finally ready to accept that it's not butter

   whoever said that kids get easier as they get older, musta been living in a fantasy land

   I wonder if mermaids ever smoke seaweed?

   English man and a Thai woman are in bed. After sex the women starts stroking his weenie. The man asks haven't you had enough? She says “yeah, I just miss mine."

   I was born with a rare disease. It's the one where your heart doesn't grow on the left side of your chest but on the right side sleeve of your shirt.

   ...all this talk about eating disorders is making me hungry

   There are many paths On the journey through life, I think I might have chose the psychopath....