Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was watching my dog lick himself when I though "I'm gonna try that".....He bit me!!!!

   Just because I'm drive, doesn't mean I can't drunk!!!

   The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments.

   Hard work never kills anybody who supervises it.

   Never pick a fight with an ugly person;........They've got nothing to lose.

   Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

   I went to my acupuncturist today. He told me to take two thumbtacks and call him in the morning.

   The best things in life are free...............So how many kittens do you want?

   If you friend request me on facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a transformer.

   In life, the woman saying " it cant be done" is always interrupted by the woman doing it...that woman is ME:)

   Just when I thought my dream was real... the the wife crawls out of the hole and wants to start talking...

   My wife says I dont listen to her or something like that.

   The grass isnt always greener on the other side...its greener where you choose to water it:)

   i only drive one kind of stick...and it isnt standard ;)

   Final Destination 5 ,, you would think they would have gotten there by now .

   So... I noticed this tough guy on the bus wearing the same Pantera t-shirt for three straight days. Today he was wearing a Slayer shirt... Thank God for laundry day!

   One womans trash is...well, just trash! Women dont throw away things that have real value ;)

   People who are meant to be together always find their way in the end.

   I hope no one chooses me as their one phone call in jail. I don't even answer when my mom calls.

   Beyond tired right now.. everytime I blink I'm pretending its a mini nap