Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know that you can't tap your thumb knuckle against your bottom teeth with your eyes closed over 16 times without getting dizzy?

   If you wear a "come at me bro" shirt, I'm coming at you. If you wear a "free hugs" shirt, I'm grabbing you and spinning you around. If you don't like a stranger doing this maybe you shouldn't falsely advertise.

   I can rise or shine...take your pick.

   Do you have a weakness? Cupcakes... and porn..Not at the same time! I need a free hand.

   Dear Stalker: Stop looking in my windows or I'll flash you......and believe me....it's not pretty!!!

   Don't worry, one day you and everyone you know will be dead. Have a nice day! :)

   i heard tim pawlenty has pulled out of the GOP race. Well I guess he can now finally go back to his regular job as being nicholas cages stunt double. oh wait hes jobless too...my bad

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   Once again, its time for me to break my foot off in your 'John-Browne Hine-Parts'. (Not sure what that means...heard it in 'Remember the Titans'....it sounds scary tho!!!)

   Good thing these facebook pokes are cyber based. If they were real and unprotected, I wouldn't have a family, I'd have a city.

   My Uncle always told me our side of the family had Irish Alzhiemers , That's where you forget everything but the grudge

   I'm at the Dentist. He looks in my mouth and says, "Holy smoke! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen! That's the biggest cavity I've ever seen!" I said, "I heard you the first time, Doc, sheesh." He goes, "That was an echo."

   why are most king-size comforters so ugly? My bed is not an obese woman in need of a flowered, polyester muumuu.

   Anything unrelated to elephants is irrELEPHANT

   Are they selling Tapout shirts by the pound now? That, or all these chubby kids in the mall actually ARE cage fighters...

   have you ever drank a milkshake so fast that your brain tells you to kill Ed Asner?... uh yeah, me neither

   it wrong to be this excited about Paranormal Activity 3 coming out in October? Well if it is, then I don't want to be right

   you've seen the cover of my book but you havent read my story

   Everything funny has already been said. The End.

   Instead of Red Eye Reduction on camera's why can't they make one with double chin reduction? You can put a man on the moon, but....sheesh.