Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who says potheads are lazy?? I know a lot of em have to wake up a half hour early just to get stoned.

   If we could eavesdrop on every conversation people had about us, I'm pretty sure that none of us would have any friends.

   Note to self: The acronym for "Save the Date" is not appropriate to include all over a work memo

   I got pulled over by a cop today and he said PAPERS and I said SCISSORS--I WIN!!! Then he made me get out of my car and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser!!!

   Ya know those signs you see in towns that say, "Drive careful, we love our children?" Well DUH, you're not gonna see a sign that says, "GUN IT, WE'LL MAKE MORE!"

   Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money! I'm just sayin'.

   The proper word that describes you would be vinegar sac. Yep, I just said douche bag but in a fancy way!

   The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.

   Air freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just took a dump.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: DELIGHT Usage: She gotta big ass but her face is trash so when we do it I gotta turnoff delight.

   Miss the days when rappers used to rap about real sh*t, now they rap about candy likes its gangsta to eat a lollipop.

   The Ipad: Because not enough people noticed you with the Iphone.

   Any female who tells you she don't suck d*ck is lying; she just ain't sucking your d*ck.

   I don't even have ex's, I have y's, as in why in the hell did I even mess with that.

   I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.

   I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.

   I like to just hang around the playground, watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.

   Sometimes I have these moments in life when I want to press pause, look into the sky, and scream "REALLY DUDE, REALLY!?"!!!!!

   Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.

   Whenever I start to get tired of being single...I go sleep on the couch to remember what being in a relationship feels like