Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have nothing nice to say, say it anyway. Who give a **** what people think?

   I don't wanna brag but that was the most perfectly executed 16 point turn of my life.

   It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.

   The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regluar butter...now I dont know what to believe.

   Once you get to be older, "friends with benefits" just means your partner has a solid 401k and a kick a$$ dental plan.

   I'm certain that the reason that God made Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.

   That akward moment when you go to collect your welfare payment but realised you burnt the post office down last week :(

   Why sure you can trust the Government. Just ask a Native American.

   Summer Vacation begins to spiral downward when your Dad says "Let's go this way. I know a shortcut."

   Father: "I'm the BOSS. I make the rules and run this house, understand?" Daughter: "Why are you whispering daddy?" Father: "I don't want your mother to hear me."

   I make no apologies for the fact that your balls aren't big enough to handle my personality!

   When your girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

   I just saved a lot of time in the doctor's office waiting room by walking around with a clipboard and showing people to any empty room. When the doctor showed up, I was the only one there.

   "My phone's about to die." - Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   My friend said, "I don't like Budweiser or Coors, I only drink Corona." And I said, "I'm like a beer slut, I drink anything."

   Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

   I just got an email from Northern Tool. Turns out, it isn't about a bunch of yankee retards.

   Judges who judge judgemental judging are often judged judgementally the way they judged. Judging other judgemental judges only brings greater judgement. Judgemental judging as you can easily judge is harsh judgement. Therefore Judge not lest ye be judged!

   I yawn and you assume I quit listening. Truth be told, I was never listening.