Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.

   When you feel lonely, CHEER UP! Just go to the mirror and say "Sh!t" I'm really so good looking!" You'll overcome your sadness. But don't make it a habit cuz liars go to hell!

   If a white person eats a cracker, is that cannibalism?

   wondering if its cool in China to get English words tattooed on their arms?

   Gay men don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.

   Confucius Says: Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right

   Ladies: stop getting relationship advice from your bitter, man-hating friend. It's like going to a strip club to find Jesus. She is single for a reason.

   Fellas: Your single, immature and still-virgin friends will call you weak, pu$$y whipped, and stupid when you choose to spend quality time with your girl. Just ignore them.

   life can be as sweet as you make it.. kinda like kool-aid.. life is kool-aid..

   Fellas: No woman will bother going after your heart if all you talk about is how fat your bank account is and how big your d*ck is. You sell what you advertise.

   When I die , I want to be buried with a ring of toasters or egg beaters around me . then when they dig me up 1000`s of years from now the archeologists will say "wow we stumbled apon someone of great importance"

   Years ago, my band gigged with a band of morons. The first thing they said to me was, "We're gonna blow you off the stage." I told them, "In that case, right here would be fine."

   If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.

   finally a Godfather! But I'm going to let the kid call me God for short

   Girl, I will stay with you through thick and thin…. but preferably thin.

   You really don't have to say much for me to say, "I'll drink to that!"

   Women need to learn that "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.

   Math questions are so dumb! They're like "if you have 30 chocolate bars and you eat 29, what do you have left?" OH I don't know how bout diabetes!!

   I have learned that pleasing everyone is too hard, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake and I like it :-)

   money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.