Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice how that toothpaste falls so easily off your brush, but you can't wash it down the drain if you wanted to....

   So sad... Please put this on your status if you know or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real and should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now.

   my daughters convinced me to take in a stray cat they found. in retrospect, I really should be clearer and more specific with my wishing!

   Why don't you cram some of that make up down your throat so you can be pretty on the inside>?

   I like my women like how I like my dogs. Loyal, color-blind, and my best friend.

   The problem with trying to avoid a problem by “playing stupid” is that far too often, you wind up looking like you won. .

   I like my women like I like my cheese. White American singles.

   If you watch the looting videos in reverse, they are really generous people

   If you stalk a regular 16 year-old girl and take photos of her, you'll be arrested. But if she's famous, you'll be hired as a Paparazzi.

   Damn...I'm having an out of money experience.

   There aren't many things that I believe less in the world than than some tech support guy in India telling me his name is Jeff.

   Only use deodorant under one arm....that way you know what you would have smelled like.

   A smile is the same in every language, I'm pretty sure the pee pee dance is too...

   Facebook is starting to remind me of my ex-wife... throwing things I said years ago back in my face.

   I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head..... SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES!! KNEES AND TOES!!

   After only one date, I knew her "emotional closet" was a walk in!

   I am nicknaming you "Big toe" cause sooner or later I am going to bang you on the coffee table.

   Damn deceptive thumbnail pics. You think you're seeing some hot little sweetie, then you click on it to enlarge the thing, and it's a cake!

   I don't wanna be loved I just wanna quickie No bite marks, no scratches, and no hickeys !

   How are you gonna dress like a ho, talk like a ho, walk like a ho, act like a ho, and then get mad when you are approached like a ho, addressed like a ho and treated like a ho? Silly ho.