Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when I miss a call by a few seconds, call the person back and they don`t answer.

   I'm not needy. I'm wanty

   My family loves the Patriot Gaurd Motercycle Riders who shielded us at my nephews military funeral. At the next military funeral I want to also invite the Hell's Angels to give the same love to those protesting hatemongers that they give to others.

   I bet if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   The Patriot Gaurd Motorcycle Riders were awesome at protecting my family from a$$hole Westboro Baptist Haters at my nephews military funeral. Maybe the Hell's Angels to also come and give the same love those hatemongers give others at the next funeral.

   What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it's 'just take it'?

   I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there... water my flowers."

   5 Jobs Westboro Baptist Haters can do instead of protesting Military Funerals: 5) UFC grappling dummies 4) Product testers 4 Fleet's Enema Co. 3) Fear Factor game taste testers 2)Pridefest Clean Up Crew 1) HumanShields 4 R Troops since IEDs R from God.

   oday I tried the whole Yahoo vs Google thing. I typed "Why is there." Yahoo gave me "Why is there fuzz on a tennis ball" and Google gave me "Why is there a drunk Chinese man doing push ups on my front lawn." Google wins yet again.

   I just cut a coupon for Adderall off the back of a box of Lucky Charms.

   not lookin forward to tonght...the voices in my head party way to hard on fridays!;p

   Sorry Al-Qaeda. but our Congress has been the better terrorist group for decades. They've been killing people mentally, psychologically, financially, physically, and of course economically. You're mad because you hate being #2.

   Two secrets to keep your marriage happy.. When you're wrong, admit it, and, when you're right, shut up.

   You can rely on me. I'm married, I'm trained to follow orders

   I miss Wesley Snipes. That man could act. You really believed for a moment that he was afraid of Michael Jackson in the Bad video.

   wears my glasses to the liquor store in an effort to appear responsible

   I work 2 jobs so my family won't be homeless. Ironically with all the extra shifts I'm home less.

   An archeologist is a garbage man who arrives too late

   I slept in this really nice hotel, the towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase

   My Wife:"Honey the sales add says the dealership will make it easy for husbands to get a new car for their spouse this weekend!" Me: "Actually that sounds like a pretty good trade."