Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women should "learn to close softly the doors to rooms they will not be coming back to.”

   I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.

   To the man who said money can't buy real happiness..... you just didn't know where to shop dude....!

   girls with flat chests and guys with hips deserve each other.......its only fair.

   Females that utter males terms such as "Suck My D*ck" will NEVER get married.

   Today I met a FOOL who has both, his girlfriend and her mother as friends on his Facebook.

   Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

   Before you go in and fight for something, just make sure its worth the effort and time.

   Relationships are like math problems. Sometimes you have to take someone out of the equation, put someone else in, and everything balances out.

   Sitting here eating a dozen wings thinking how badly I want to be a vegetarian.

   Shakespear in prison: To take it or not to take it, THAT is the question

   Steve Jobs' text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" autocorrect gone bad strikes again!

   Uncle sam & all his relatives gotta take a piece of my paycheck. Half of these people I don't even know what they do...like who the hell is FICA???

   playing cards is a lot like marriage...if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

   I hope hurricane Irene takes care of "Jersey Shore"... Permanently!

   WOW! Monty Hall turns 90 today - apparently he was offered 12 more year of healthy living, or he could trade it for what's behind door #2

   May the force of Hurricane Irene wipe out the entire "Jersey Shore" cast. Lord, hear our prayer!

   has a bad case of SRH!!! (Sperm retention headache)

   Why is it that when I get 50 napkins at McDonalds I don't use any, but when subway gives me two they're gone in 10 seconds.

   I can't decide if this thick orange sky color over New York is beautiful or too close to a chemical attack of some sort.