Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

   Volunteering in times of crisis is good. I just called the local strip club to call me immediately if they lose power. I'm ready to help out.

   Camping. Camping? Listen up Mr. and Mrs.Field and Stream...My idea of roughing it is a Motel 6 with no cable.

   The best way to make somebody remember you is,borrow money from them..

   Never trust a skinny chef

   pull out the umbrella... somebody just rained on my parade

   I Rock, Therefore I Am. I'm Stoned, Therefore I Have the Munchies.

   I just made a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico, Thanks Irene

   thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!

   ‎5 reasons hurricanes are like Christmas...5) Family & friends out-of state-calling you 4) Last minute shopping in crowded stores 3) Days off from work 2) Candles 1) And at some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

   Beauty without virtue is like a rose without scent.

   I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center. --Vonnegut

   Why is it that a woman can get a tattoo of a naked fairy sitting on a half moon and its sexy, but when a guy gets a naked wizard making love to a dragon its creepy?

   Turns out, no matter how many Oreos you can fit into your mouth at one time, this doesn't need to come up in a job interview.

   A surprise party is a great way to show your woman how awesome you are at lying to her face

   Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”

   All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that's their own fault.

   Like for Ron Paul 2012 Dislike For Obama 2012

   Dear Hurricane Irene: Don't disappoint me like the " Rapture" a few months ago. Their are only so many times I'm willing to sit naked on my deck with a cigar expecting the "end times". Bring It, you stinky b!tch. I made potato salad.....

   I saw a man in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoking a joint. One of those high deaf TVs.