Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man buys a box of tampons for his old lady, and the cashier asks, "Do you want me to put these in the bag". The man replies, "No, I think she can do it by herself."

   Dear Michele Bachmann, Hurricane Irene was a warning from God... That you SHOULDN'T run for President in 2012. Best Regards.

   My friend posted on Facebook saying, "Rhianna is the greatest artist evar <<<<3" For some reason she got annoyed when I said, "No way, Chris Brown beats Rhianna any day!"

   Do you think maybe I could save even more than 15% on my car insurance if Geico didn't waste so much f*cking money on commercials?

   You want a perfect girl? Go buy a Barbie.

   Fellas: Silence doesn't always mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

   "I wasn't that drunk" 'Dude, you were in my closet yelling "Where's Narnia"

   Be a fountain, not a drain.

   Strong are those that accept the nothing they get and then mold it into something.

   Mom: I found this condom while I was cleaning your room. Are you sexually active? Girl: No. I just lay there.

   A five year old asked, “Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was?” Mommy replied, “Yes, but only for a minute.”

   anyone's Facebook acting strange today? Mine just tried to fondle me....

   Thank god I found the good in goodbye because I went through hell from the moment I said hello.

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumba$$ put my cape on backwards.”

   Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

   If i'm weird with you, it means I'm comfortable with you.

   Sometimes I can't blame these women for spying, stalking and researching on some of you men. Most of you be LMAO too much. LMAO as in Lying My A$$ Off.

   I discovered a new hidden talent, making women cry.

   Instead of saying, "Happy Birthday!" I'm going to start saying "Happy annual celebration of your successful escape from the womb."

   Ladies: Sometimes it's the mind games you play, that drive him into the arms of another woman.