Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes." ~William Gibson

   Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

   Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the 1st of the month To get up, get up, get up so cash your checks and get up Wakin' up feelin' buzzed off up early mornin' stretchin' I'm yawnin' lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome Instead I kick it wit

   I'm a lover not a fighter, but I will fight for what I love

   I have finally just accepted all my invitations to connect on LinkedIn. Now I wait. With my pants off.

   Who else puts LOL or LMAO or ROFL knowing good and damn well your sitting there with a straight face.

   Internet connection failed!: □ Wait patiently. ✔ Rape the refresh button.

   Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

   I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn't a kind of drink

   Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

   Today I saw a baby with a onesie that said "Mommy only wanted a backrub."

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, I'll still have to buy christmas gifts..

   So the wife and I went to Bed Bath & Beyond ,,, and we got a new toilet brush, I tried it out,,,, Yadda..Yadda..Yadda...I think I'm going to stick with toilet paper

   My sleep number is a fat blunt

   man its' boring in the office... okay everyone I have an idea: let's just take off our pants at 13 o'clock simultaneously... this should spice things up.

   [+[__] :] <- Like my Gameboy?

   My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."

   My sleep number is Advil

   You can never really say 'what's on your mind' when you have family members on your Facebook.

   The cops sent me a picture of my car speeding through a red traffic light. So I sent them a picture of my cheque. They then sent me a picture of handcuffs, so I sent them a picture of my lawyer. Your move cops.