Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I broke up with my ex girlfriend she threatened to kill herself. One year later she got married. Close enough.

   OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS !!! 1. Hold your breath for 10 minutes. 2. Die.

   With all the technology now you'd figure power rangers would have better graphics....

   You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!

   Well I can't be an optimistic if my blood type is " B NEGATIVE "

   I accidentally took 4 Ativan pills but I'm surprisingly not all that worried.

   waiting for MTV to make a sequel to go along with the "16 and Pregnant" series, 32 and a Grandma.

   What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest? Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12.

   What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic: USE a feather. Kinky: Use the whole chicken

   Good Idea: Trying to talk your way out of a ticket Bad Idea: Telling the cop that he/she is very attractive, and that's not just the booze talking.

   Just because you're in a committed relationship, doesn't mean you can't have friends of the opposite sex.

   I'm hoping one of the new scenes Lucas adds to Star Wars involves Jar Jar being brutally killed

   Just read the entire Michael Jackson will -- turns out the doggone girl is mine.

   Third parties always complicate a relationship that's meant for two.

   I really hate it when someone calls my PHONE and says who is this, this is my phone, who are you?

   "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I told a lie just to earn some money." "Christ will forgive you, remember to put money into the donation box."

   I forgive people, but that doesn't mean I trust them thereafter.

   What's with people who come on Facebook to announce that they are in a bad mood and they want to be left alone, so no one should text or call them? No one was ever going text/call your cranky a$$ anyways.

   there is one thing I really don't find funny, and that is people trying to be funny

   was standing in line at the ATM the other day when a elderly lady asked me to help her check her balance. So I pushed her