Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best way to get your teenage son to roll his eyes is show him your "Jedi Powers" by waving your hand in front of the automatic doors at Target.

   I accept exceptions except when accepting them would be unacceptable because I'm exceptional.

   I don't believe it's merely a coincidence the the letters in Frito Lay can be rearranged to spell "oily fart".

   Who ever made up the term "marital bliss" probably was the same genius who made up other phrases like military intelligence, pretty ugly, and authentic reproduction.

   Single? No, I'm just in a relationship with freedom.

   No strings attached, your love is so wi-fi

   Dear vegetarians, my food sh!ts on your food.

   yo mama's so old she has an autographed copy of The Holly Bible.

   Friends are like potatoes if you eat them they die

   it takes a carter to get a reagan

   My wife tried to buy something online yesterday.... Anyone know how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive?

   My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum today. Its her or FaceBook. You people better be worth it.

   Jesus is proof that abstinence doesn't work.

   It's funny how Lady Gaga can pull off a man better than a woman.

   Dear Sir, Since taking your body building course, I have a 44 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, 17 inch biceps and an 18 inch neck. I feel great. I also feel that my chances of marriage are spoiled. Sincerely, Mary Goldberg

   The philosopher has never killed any priests, whereas the priest has killed a great many philosophers.

   I AM THE BOSS OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY G.........hang on gotta go , I think I hear my wife coming

   My new girlfriend really takes my breath away!!......She's inflatable.

   People keep saying how strong stomach acid is but I am pretty convinced that corn can kick it's butt.

   Dance your cares away Worry's for another day Let the music play down at...