Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   man its' boring in the office... okay everyone I have an idea: let's just take off our pants at 13 o'clock simultaneously... this should spice things up.

   [+[__] :] <- Like my Gameboy?

   My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."

   My sleep number is Advil

   You can never really say 'what's on your mind' when you have family members on your Facebook.

   The cops sent me a picture of my car speeding through a red traffic light. So I sent them a picture of my cheque. They then sent me a picture of handcuffs, so I sent them a picture of my lawyer. Your move cops.

   Come to think of it, I've never seen a KFC or McDonalds under construction. They just show up!

   B*tch please! You've have had more relationships than my great-grandfather has had birthdays.

   It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

   wants to be carried bathed and shampooed. Like a princess or a quadriplegic :-/

   Some people say saying 'I'm sorry' is a sign of weakness, I think saying 'I'm sorry' takes alot of strength...

   I am not a gynecologist, but I will give you some Frontline for that.

   Spent the last 40 mins. on the phone with my mother, regrettably the first rule of Zumba class is nothing like the first rule of Fight Club.

   I can act my age just fine, until you say something like "penal code".

   Of course someone else packed my bags for me. What am I a peasant?

   my sleep number is 80 proof

   roses are red, violets are blue, yadda yadda yadda, can we have sex now?

   Blonde: "What do OMG, IDK, IDC, and GTG mean?? Brunette: Oh my God, I don't know, I don't care, and got to go" Blonde: Well, that's a bit rude fine bye

   I keep telling my friends, "Stop being so sexist....don't you know broads hate that?"

   So you saw my new boyfriend and ask me what happened to my standards? Well duh .. I raised them!!!