Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People in relationships are so lucky they don't have to worry about what they look like anymore.

   The drunk text from a guy you decided not to go home with is like the ankle grab from someone you just shot

   I am WANTED by Stalkers...I am NEEDED by Beggars...I am FAMOUS by Gossipers...I am POPULAR by Haters... But they are all..."NOTHING" to me.

   You know the bars are closing when you see drunk girls in high heels walking down the street with the grace of newborn baby giraffes.

   my status is just an another update on the wall !

   Katy Perry's new video is so unrealistic, all those people exploding and not a Muslim in sight.

   When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

   Taylor Swift must be the first person to have something given back to her after a black man stole it

   I love women's mentality "I said 'leave and never come back' but all I really want is you to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming 'I'm in love with you'!" - Taylor Swift

   Has anyone else noticed that Miley Cyrus looks an awful lot like Hannah Montana?

   I'm 6 weeks. Now make me a Goddamn sammich.........

   A fat girl on her knees gives new meaning to the word, "Ball Hog!"

   Before Facebook, if I read something really funny I would laugh. Now I just click the "Like" button without changing my facial expression at all.

   "Tip for today's value shopper: Keep UPC's in your pocket and use the self-checkout."

   Why do men twist their wedding ring? They are trying to work out the combination.

   It's Friday!!!!!! I just thought i'd tell ya'll that just incase you haven't seen all the other 1000 post about it.

   So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had to wait 40 years to get his own momunent, and then they make it out of white marble? Awkward...

   Wanna make someone feel uncomfortable? After shaking their hand slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, Mmmmmmmm.

   The difference between making love and f*cking is the condition of the furniture afterward.

   You're on a horse being chased by two lions. You're behind an elephant and next to a giraffe. What do you do? You get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!