Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You should be ashamed if the only book you opened all summer was facebook

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...

   My new phones battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie. -_-

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

   they say the taste of love is sweet. That's bullsh!t everyone knows it's salty.

   I think the bird of love is the dove. My husband thinks it's the Swallow

   I've said this before but, It's funny how you think you know someone so well, then you bang his wife and then his true colors start to show.

   Always pick the girl smoking ultra-light cigarettes... it means she's used to sucking a little harder to get what she wants.

   I like to keep a picture of myself in my wallet so when people show me pictures of their kids I can show them a pic of me not giving a sh!t.

   We're F*cked. The president in 2050 is going to have Tribal sleeves and use the word "bro" in all his presidential speeches.

   The University of Maryland uniforms were so ugly that a University of Miami player was overheard saying "You couldn't pay me to wear those uniforms"

   Never say “that won't happen to me!”, because life has a funny way of proving us wrong.

   Girls say the only man they can trust is their dad, men say the only girl they can trust is the one they're having an affair with :P

   I miss the metal slides that would give you 3rd degree burns on a hot summers day...Goodtimes!!

   I'm not addicted to Facebook. I only tweet when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time.

   Textaphrenia – thinking you've heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.

   I just changed my voicemail greeting: Please hang up and text me.

   these kids today are lucky they have the soft plastic jungle-gyms with straw padding the ground..Instead of those broken down wooden death traps we had too play on as kids with that soft cement to break your fall...