Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who else puts LOL or LMAO or ROFL knowing good and damn well your sitting there with a straight face.

   Internet connection failed!: □ Wait patiently. ✔ Rape the refresh button.

   Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

   I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn't a kind of drink

   Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

   Today I saw a baby with a onesie that said "Mommy only wanted a backrub."

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, I'll still have to buy christmas gifts..

   So the wife and I went to Bed Bath & Beyond ,,, and we got a new toilet brush, I tried it out,,,, Yadda..Yadda..Yadda...I think I'm going to stick with toilet paper

   My sleep number is a fat blunt

   man its' boring in the office... okay everyone I have an idea: let's just take off our pants at 13 o'clock simultaneously... this should spice things up.

   [+[__] :] <- Like my Gameboy?

   My graduation speech will be, "I'd like to thank google, google & uh.. google..."

   My sleep number is Advil

   You can never really say 'what's on your mind' when you have family members on your Facebook.

   The cops sent me a picture of my car speeding through a red traffic light. So I sent them a picture of my cheque. They then sent me a picture of handcuffs, so I sent them a picture of my lawyer. Your move cops.

   Come to think of it, I've never seen a KFC or McDonalds under construction. They just show up!

   B*tch please! You've have had more relationships than my great-grandfather has had birthdays.

   It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

   wants to be carried bathed and shampooed. Like a princess or a quadriplegic :-/

   Some people say saying 'I'm sorry' is a sign of weakness, I think saying 'I'm sorry' takes alot of strength...