Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After watching Transformers, I just spent an hour in my garage telling my car that I know his secret. Maybe he's just shy.

   Don't take me for granted and break my heart, because unlike the others, I will kick your a$$.

   Car commercials make driving around in empty parking garages look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.

   Interesting how you can't say "prick" on TV as a noun or calling someone the name. You can say you got a prick on your finger just don't say you fingered a prick.

   i'm so romantic, sometimes I think I should date myself.

   You try to teach a kid not to steal, but every once in a while they come back with something you really want. Now I have a back scratcher.

   Its sad that at a certain point some peoples promises just start too sound like Charlie Brown's Teacher..."Wah wah wah wah wah wah"

   You know da day is off to a bad start when you realize you put your dirty socks in the toaster, two slices of bread in the toilet and peed in the laundry hamper.

   I think the Angry Birds could use some anger management counselling. Mellow out, my cranky avian bros!

   The wife asks "Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?"... Apparently "Well, what are they cooking?" was the wrong answer

   The guy in line in front of me has flowers, condoms, mints, deodorant, and Champagne. It's no secret what he's up to... Whereas my items are less revealing... toilet paper, Perpetration H, Imodium A-D, and stain remover.

   When I was your age, I didn't even know what drugs were!" The robot slaps the dad. Mom: "Haha! He's definitely YOUR son!" The robot slaps the mom.

   -A dad buys a lie detector robot, which slaps people when they lie.. so he decides to test it out a dinner. Dad: "Son, where were you today?" Son: "I was at school." The robot, slaps the boy. Son: "Okay Okay, I did drugs with a friend!" ... Dad: "What! Wh

   Thinks there was more white trash at the Toby Keith concert than in the dumpster behind a paper plate factory

   Here, put these floaties on your ankles ...

   nailing Jello to a tree isn't hard. Freeze it. Adapt and overcome.

   Hell no I don't use a Loofah in the shower....I use a Man-Sponge!!...There's a difference lol

   Dear Jäger I think we need to stop seeing each other...."Maybe we have too much in common.  We are too much alike." If the phone doesn't ring, it's probably me....

   Dear Colonel Gaddafi: If you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks....May I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber, Casey Anthony and the Octomom

   everybody hates it when their job blows...but love it the other way round.