Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I nicknamed my legs ‘options' because I like to keep them open. 
Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
If you ask for my opinion, don't get upset when I give it to you.
This girl was staring at me while licking her lips and I thought to myself 'Wow! She's really flexible.'
Anyone else think Ashley on "Hardcore Pawn" comes off as such a C you Next Tuesday?
When I put sea salt on fish, I wonder if they may already know each other.
I'm feeling a little superheroish, so tonight I'm wearing my speedo on top of my jeans when I go out.
In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take
If the Dove is the bird of love, then the bird of birth control is the Swallow.
I've been dating this girl for only 2 days, and already she is complaining. She says, " When you told me you were hung like a horse, I didn't know you meant a Seahorse"
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
crap! woke up with a pulse! guess I'm gonna have to work now!
am I the only human being that hates that fake fruit on cereal?
If I were an OBGYN my catchphrases would be "at your cervix!" and "not guilty your honer!"
i didn't know Jonah Hill was gonna be on Dancing with the Stars ...this should be interesting.
I get the feeling that the fat acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is about movement.
I'm at the Bill Murray decides to join the army point of my life.
You know you're losin' it when you're so used to the DVR controls on the TV, that you keep reaching for the radio in my car to rewind something you've just heard! LOL I'm definitely losin' it!
Due to sanitary reasons, we will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras.
Me? Behave? Seriously... As a child I saw Tarzan strolling naked. Cinderella arrived home after midnight. Pinocchio told lies. Aladdin was a thief. Batman drove over 200 miles an hour. Snow White lived in a house with 7 men. It's not my fault! 