Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK ladies....College football starts tonight!! You may now start to cheat, shop or whatever.....Just shut up and stay out of the Man Cave!!

   Sorry ladies but there is more to it than getting naked and saying, "Come get it daddy"

   My dad told me that if I didn't change my ways that I was going to wake up dead some day. Cool! I'm gonna be a zombie.

   Always be thankful for another day of life because you never know when it's gonna be your last.

   Treat your girl right, or another guy will...or maybe another girl.

   The uneasy moment when you can't understand someone even though they repeated themselves 5 times.

   I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts today, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"

   does this update make my status look fat?

   A friend is someone who borrows your stuff and gives it back. A best friend is someone who has a closet full of your stuff which they don't intend on giving back.

   Before sex, you help each other get naked.. After sex, you only dress yourself.. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once your f*cked!

   You know that hole in the glass at the movie theater that you talk through to get your tickets? I think that's called an askhole.

   I'm a fighter not a lover, but I will love for what I fought.

   Hurting someone who really cares you is as easy as throwing stone in the lake, but you will never know how deep that stone goes

   "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a$$holes." ~William Gibson

   Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

   Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the 1st of the month To get up, get up, get up so cash your checks and get up Wakin' up feelin' buzzed off up early mornin' stretchin' I'm yawnin' lightweight bent chugga lugga take a fifth to the dome Instead I kick it wit

   I'm a lover not a fighter, but I will fight for what I love

   I have finally just accepted all my invitations to connect on LinkedIn. Now I wait. With my pants off.