Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can let the fact that she owns a cat slide....as long as it's never been used as her profile pic.

   In my house, relationships go sour before a gallon of milk does...

   My wife thinks i'm crazy. I'm beginning to regret all the effort I put into protecting her from the king of the potato people.

   I bought an anti bullying wrist band today...I say bought I actually stole it of a fat ginger kid

   I've learned that fights can always be avoided with a slow kiss of the forehead.

   Rough day. Truck broke down, went to find help, ended up in a human centipede.

   My kid asks me why the clock says 4:30. Ummm, because it's 4:30. So dumb, I don't care if you're five.

   If I won the lottery I wouldn't quit my job. However, I would test the limits of misbehaving until they fired me :) __ I'll call this wish #473.

   Real recognize real and you don't look familiar to me!

   Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like god came down and highlighted all the important parts.

   This girl I know has a tattoo of a sea shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it, I swear you could smell the ocean.

   Are you like me...are there people in your life alive only because you can't afford a good Hitman

   When I say I will NEVER do something, rest assured I'll be doing it within 6 weeks.

   My brother says Andrew how can you be drinking already its not even 11am, well I said I changed the time on my laptop 2 hours ahead.

   If you're homophobic, it's important to remember that they're more afraid of you than you are of them

   Just saw a bumper sticker that said Distracted drivers crash, hang up and drive. Then I crashed into him because I was reading the sticker.

   Can we name the next hurricane Shaniqua or something? I feel like if we give hurricanes ghetto names, people will be more inclined to get away from them. Hurricane Irene sounds friendly. Hurricane Shaniqua will rip out your weave if you look at it wrong.

   I'm blessed and highly favored! Just thought I should remind you all.

   Fellas: Never lead a woman on and let her think she has a chance with you when deep down you know she doesn't.

   OK ladies....College football starts tonight!! You may now start to cheat, shop or whatever.....Just shut up and stay out of the Man Cave!!