Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   I'm back in the HR office today, apparently "Kill myself" was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, "What would you do if you were me?"

   I reviewed the statistics, crunched some numbers and calculated the risk and discovered that the chances of me get ran over while sitting on my couch are far less than they are when I am jogging. I must be lazy for my wellbeing.......

   I have give myself a pat on the back. I've been workin' with Ms. Know-it-all for almost two years... and she is still breathin'. :)

   I wish the first rule of Christianity was exactly the same as the first rule of Fight Club.

   My buddy just told me that I jump every time my girlfriend says jump. That's just stupid, I'm white and everyone knows white men can't jump.

   I am inventing a paint that is the same color and texture as bug guts because I don't like to wash my truck...

   If you're looking to work 2 hours a day, 3 days a week for about $1000 a week please contact me!!! We can look for it together.

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   The American dream is no longer owning your own home. Its moving out of moms.

   Attention girls who make the Duck Face- THOSE are not the lips guys are interested in seeing all swollen.

   You know what don't make sense!!!? Fat people with skinny arms.......

   When I go out to eat I put a tampon in my pocket. If my waitress acts like a c*nt guess what her tip is?

   You know that feeling when you know you're doing something wrong but you just keep doing it anyway? That's how I feel all the time.

   My girl asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of heaqing it so I told her to put a sock in it.

   I managed to work out by tracing backwards to where my relationships with women started to go wrong... I traced it back to... "and God created Eve."

   Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   I can count to five in Spanish. Maybe Pitbull will let me be on his next album

   Yesterday I asked my girlfriend what she'd like for her birthday... She's still talking.

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.