Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Having to poop after a shower is basically your body's way of pranking you.

   You say never judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. But sorry, I can't walk a mile in your shoes. Because you wear Crocs. And I won't be caught dead in Crocs. It's actually the reason I judge you.

   WARNING: If you forget Daylight Savings Time ends this weekend, you may come in early and inadvertently make Monday an hour longer.

   N.W.A. didn't need the "W.A." The "N." established a pretty clear tone.

   It is illegal to use your cell phone while driving, which is why I had this sweet rotary phone installed in my center console.

   Still waiting for what didn't kill me to make me strong.

   Just once when they interview a serial killer's neighbor I'd like to hear them say "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, I told people for years he was gonna do this"

   If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

   If you don't audibly fart when you're getting a security patdown at the airport, the terrorists win.

   Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Because everyone hates old mice

   The Muppets took over WWE last night. In other news, Dora the Explorer is refereeing MMA Octagon Thunderdown

   Detroit Lions players mock Tim Tebow in blowout win Sunday. Tim Tebow responded with; At least I don't wake up in Detroit.

   Halloween. When guys dress up like the psychos they actually are. And girls dress up like the sluts they swear they aren't.

   Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn't find a hug"

   A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

   Would I bring a knife to a gunfight? Sure. Maybe some potato chips, too. I mean, they were kind enough to invite me to their fight.

   For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

   Dear hot chick I just passed on the street- I wasn't looking at you, you were looking at me. Get over yourself!