Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever cunt

   No matter how much they insist, never ever play Leapfrog with a Unicorn.

   Yeah. It's callled SUSHI.

   Anybody have a good recipe for stuffed rice? 🙃

   I started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried Grapes. It's all about Raisin awareness.

   Tom Cruise got his line all tangled on his rod & reel. It made Fishin' Impossible

   It's sooooo hot, Hunter put ice in his coke

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, then everyone disagrees.

   So she said, "I'd like to have dinner again if you would like to." And I said, "Can we do it another time? I'm full."

   My girlfriend asked if I noticed anything different, so I held my breath til I passed out.

   My cat died. But I know he'll forever live on in passwords.

   Sephora is my favorite place to fart.

   I'm trying to master the art of eating a powdered doughnut, without looking like I just got back from the White House

   I've beaten my addiction to Heroin, so Yay for eating soup with spoons again

   My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

   Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

   Boomers. A generation of hypocrites who were anti-money and anti-government in their hippie days, but became the exact opposite when they got older.

   I’ve decided to raise my kids gender neutral. Not because I’m embracing any LGBTLMNOP agenda but more because I like buying stuff on sale.

   Women to say one thing, but think something different. Don’t believe me? Women say Lizzo is amazing. Tell a woman she looks like Lizzo to see what she really thinks.

   My Guardian Angel gets Hazardous Duty Pay.