Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drones over New Jersey? That's just Amazon delivering Christmas presents. No biggie.

   I like to make people who hate me, hate me even more.

   I fart on a first date.

   I don’t think it’s a coincidence that “diet” has the word die in it.

   What doesn’t kill you, makes you kind of nervous for the rest of your life.

   Twinkle, twinkle little scar; how I wonder, what put ye thar.

   If it snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny.

   Amazonesia: When you forgot what you ordered this time.

   Silent farts, deadly farts, all was calm, not for long 😂

   I’m an organ donor. But I’ve just got to say, if someone gets one, they better be ready to smoke a carton of Marlboros and a ton of Red Bulls to get them to work right. Lol

   Hey girl, are you a ketchup bottle? Because I’m gonna flip you over, hit it from the back and make you squirt.

   Santa said the illegals have been so bad this year that they were put on top of the ICE list

   If you ever jacked off to my pic you owe me like $5

   What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!

   If you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Melania Trump, don't open it. It might be spam. And if you get an email with the subject Nude Pictures of Kamala Harris, don't open it. It might be nude pictures of Kamala Harris.

   Sometimes, I'd like to give it all up and become a hook-nosed Joo

   Burger King - We don’t snitch.

   Girlfriend

   Santa said I've been so good this year that he put me at the top of his nice list.

   Are there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?