Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   people who write songs as their status are creeps, they are weirdooooss, they don't know what the hell they're looking for, they don't belong here...

   Sadly there comes a day in every Father/Son Relationship where your son asserts himself by simply saying "No thank you" when you say "Pull my finger".

   The Doctor advised me to eat more spinach. He said it'd put color in my cheeks. Who wants green cheeks?

   These people on my Facebook aren't really friends, just more of a wish list of people I want to sleep with

   U know you living with some white roommates when you see more name labels in the fridge than actual food.

   BBC have just announced that Gaddafi may have slipped in to Jordan. .......Has that woman no shame?

   I don't have to be wearing a coat in july to be told I look hot!

   Sad 60's Self Realization:Most of the people who used to call you a Space Cowboy, a Gangster of Love, and Maurice now call you a Sad Hippie Has-Been.

   I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

   I really question the marketing tactics at Whosale Furniture Outlets. I've never heard anyone say "Oooh! A giant inflatable Ape!! I think I want to buy a couch!"

   R.I.P. Pavol Demitra and the hockey team killed in the plane crash near the city of Yaroslavl

   I have a Japanese friend who can write in that cool calligraphy. That's pretty impressive. Of course I won't be REALLY impressed until I see her do the "YMCA" dance in her own language.

   "Were sorry; the new Facebook is back up."

   I'm calling child protective services on Mother Nature.

   when someone posts something like, "In a bad mood. Don't ask!". They actually want you to ask and are looking for attention.

   If Febreze is really that damn good then maybe they should consider putting a douche on the market.

   when contemplating a murder-suicide, always kill yourself first

   You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.

   Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better

   There would be a lot less entering of "Do not enter" areas if they didn't have a "Do not enter" sign.