Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. Thats like me watching CSI dressed as a dead hooker.

   why is there always, that one person in the group that wants to be a kiss ass! The one, when someone ask "is there any questions" (2 min before its time to go) they wanna ask a question. In your mind all you thinking is "this biotch"!

   I found a new app for my smart phone, Its called Dumbass. Its supposed to alert me when after I've been drinking and I'm about to send a text.... It says hay Dumbass, are you really sure you want to send this...?

   If Wesley Snipes had paid his taxes our country wouldn't be in this position.....

   My romantic poem to the wife...."Roses are red and violets are blue. Lay on the bed and I will eat you!

   Some people around me are alive because I can't afford a hitman....!

   Drinking game for the Presidents speech: Drink every time he says jobs and economy.

   I swear there are like 5 dudes in this town running around just making babies...In about 15 years this is gonna be a strange ass place if half the kids are related too each other...

   wonders how many of my knuckle children had the potential to be a doctor, president, or one day cure cancer.

   To the lady who ready my palm at the county fair in the summer of '99. The one who told me I would be married, have two kids, and own a business when I got older. I wish my divorced $7.76/hr ass could talk to you again!!

   I stick to the script, I memorize the lines Cause life is a movie that I've seen too many times

   When people walk away I check to make sure my phone is still there.

   I don't always drink coffee, but when I do I drink Starbucks Pumkin spiced latte. Stay caffienated my friends.

   When people ask me if I want to stay on their friends list I just send a short message saying "Don't Taze me Bro"

   "The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." :)

   Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This dumbass put my cape on backwards"

   "if I knew then what I know now...I'd probably still find a way to screw it up!"

   I dream of the day that I can put my true strengths on my resume and these skills be appreciated. "So I see here you're a bird's eye shot with a rubberband and can nail a three pointer while spinning in an office chair. You Sir, are what we call hired!"

   if someone ever asks you what your favorite kind of beer is tell them " An open one!"

   Obama's jobs plan is that he has sold America to Apple and you are all working for them now