Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In life, success is determined by the amount of sh!t you can take

   If the Dove is the bird of love, then the bird of birth control is the Swallow.

   I've been dating this girl for only 2 days, and already she is complaining. She says, " When you told me you were hung like a horse, I didn't know you meant a Seahorse"

   Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

   crap! woke up with a pulse! guess I'm gonna have to work now!

   am I the only human being that hates that fake fruit on cereal?

   If I were an OBGYN my catchphrases would be "at your cervix!" and "not guilty your honer!"

   i didn't know Jonah Hill was gonna be on Dancing with the Stars ...this should be interesting.

   I get the feeling that the fat acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is about movement.

   I'm at the Bill Murray decides to join the army point of my life.

   You know you're losin' it when you're so used to the DVR controls on the TV, that you keep reaching for the radio in my car to rewind something you've just heard! LOL I'm definitely losin' it!

   Due to sanitary reasons, we will not and cannot accept any money that comes out of bras.

   Me? Behave? Seriously... As a child I saw Tarzan strolling naked. Cinderella arrived home after midnight. Pinocchio told lies. Aladdin was a thief. Batman drove over 200 miles an hour. Snow White lived in a house with 7 men. It's not my fault!

   You should be ashamed if the only book you opened all summer was facebook

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...

   My new phones battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie. -_-

   Teenagers. They have been annoying me all summer long. Now they're back in school. So today on my lunch hour I drove circles around the high school laughing through a loud speaker.

   Men would be way more excited about cleaning if spray bottles made a laser noise.

   Why does every girl think it's ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

   they say the taste of love is sweet. That's bullsh!t everyone knows it's salty.