Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't see it so much as a cushion. For me it's more of a fart-absorbing device.

   Life is not measured by the breaths you take...its measured by the moments that take your breath away.

   Dear chairs, I know you get more a$$, but I get more head. Sincerely, Pillows.

   "I lost my phone." "Where did you put it last?" "If I known where I put it last, I wouldn't be here saying I lost my phone, dumba$$

   I think its unfair that men and women are not treated equally...It just seems wrong that women can show a lil boobie and get out of a speeding ticket but when I show a lil ball I get arrested...It just aint right

   Why do men snore when they lie on their backs???.... Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and cause a vapor lock.

   TRY UR NAME IN JAPANESE:A=ka B=tu C=mi D=te E=ku F=lu G=ji H=ri I=ki J=zu K=me L=ta M=rin N=to O=mo P=no Q=ke R=shi S=ari T=chi U=do V=ru W=mei X=na Y=fu Z=zi. then paste ur Japanese name below share dis ITS FUN!

   at Walmart shopping the other day & heard a woman come over the loud speaker,"Attention Kmart Shoppers..." There was a long pause & then she said,"You're in the wrong store."

   Most of the Pillsbury Dough Boys family showed up for his Funeral. His wife Jane, son Jon, Daughters Play and Docie Dough were all there. His son Dill was missing though. He later told everyone he found himself trembling in a deep dark hole of emotions.

   Hef like his girls like he likes his paint when he spruces up the ole Playboy Mansion: cheap, dull, and easily spreadable.

   If you're a British actor and you weren't in atleast one Harry Potter movie, its time for a little self evaluation on your career choice

   Yesterday it was fish, shrimp, and crabs. Tonight I'm just fishing for compliments.

   Peeing is like going to the gas station, you'll wait til the very last second to go when you don't have a choice anymore!...

   "Sorry" isn't a verb so don't expect it to fix things for you.

   If you don't want a parking ticket, put your wipers on high.

   It's funny how when funky smellin powder is sent thru the mail anonomously Homeland Security is all over that sh*t. But when the same kind of funky smellin powder fills the air everytime Hef takes off his daiper at the Playboy Mansion no one gives a sh*t.

   Never wait until a woman is fed up for you to start cherishing and appreciating her.

   it possible for an Asian to take a picture without making a peace sign?

   Hugh Hefner has totally ruined blond jokes for me. Inside of every blond joke there's a Hugh Hefner joke dying to be told.

   I see dead people.......a lot easier since I started using my Bushnell 3200 Tactical Elite rifle scope.