Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It Pisses Me Off when people come in my room & don't close the door when they get out.

   How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys in her at the same time?

   Why does anyone want to go to Hell in a handbasket? Everyone whose ever been to the Supermarket knows that using a Shopping Cart would be so much better.

   ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.

   This non stop Peyton Manning news is becoming a real pain in the neck.

   Never stop trying. I mean the dude who first said "Face the Music" wasn,t near as successful with his other phrases like "Mouth the Calligraphy", "Armpit the Lyrics", and "Nostril the Poetry" but you didn't see him quit did you?

   Ladies: When a guy adds you on FB, it means he just wants to be your friend not your HUSBAND, that's why it's called a friend request not a Proposal!

   Do Lesbians like to be eaten out of house and home?

   It cracks me up that most people who say "you don't know sh!t from Shinola" don't know what hell Shinola is in the first place.

   Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen...

   A true pervert can tell always tell you about the hottest centerfold that he has ever come across.

   Feminism was established to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream.

   I think the phrase "Cop an Attitude" is totally ironic considering most cops I've ever come across have sh*tty attitudes.

   Religion is all-too-often a refuge for scoundrels.

   They tried to throw a surprise birthday party for me with fun games but someone let the cat out of the bag. All was not lost however because they left the other cat in the Pinata.

   Want to know why Americans are better than the rest of the world? We are Americans.

   Political candidates should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.

   I dont need to see the video of what happended on 9/11. I remember it like it was yesterday.