Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a pill bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."

   Bazaar Magazine's new cover features Lady Gaga on it without any makeup or crazy wigs on. P Diddy says she needs to change her name like he did. Might I suggest Lady Gag Gag?

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   Me: Tornadoes? Hurricanes? Earthquakes?...I thought we had til 2012? Mayans: Sorry about that...forgot to carry the 1.

   TRUE STORY: I held the door open for an Asian gentlemen yesterday at the mall. He said "Sank You." He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor.

   FML!.....oh wait not M, I meant Y.....FYL!!! haha, jk

   women dont trust women, why should i???

   If I send you a text and you don't respond, and then I see you update Facebook at the same time, you're dead to me.

   The Press is going on and on about how Beyonce has bared her "Baby Bump".Apparently she was successful in getting f*cked.Big Whoop! All the other members of Destiny's Child got f*cked a long time ago.

   I care about who wins tonight's GOP Debate about as much as I care about who wins one of those fake wrestling smackdowns. Actually put all the GOP contenders in a cagematch where they can smack each other with folding chairs and I might actually watch it.

   people who write songs as their status are creeps, they are weirdooooss, they don't know what the hell they're looking for, they don't belong here...

   Sadly there comes a day in every Father/Son Relationship where your son asserts himself by simply saying "No thank you" when you say "Pull my finger".

   The Doctor advised me to eat more spinach. He said it'd put color in my cheeks. Who wants green cheeks?

   These people on my Facebook aren't really friends, just more of a wish list of people I want to sleep with

   U know you living with some white roommates when you see more name labels in the fridge than actual food.

   BBC have just announced that Gaddafi may have slipped in to Jordan. .......Has that woman no shame?

   I don't have to be wearing a coat in july to be told I look hot!

   Sad 60's Self Realization:Most of the people who used to call you a Space Cowboy, a Gangster of Love, and Maurice now call you a Sad Hippie Has-Been.

   I'm a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

   I really question the marketing tactics at Whosale Furniture Outlets. I've never heard anyone say "Oooh! A giant inflatable Ape!! I think I want to buy a couch!"