Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures,...... Then uploads directly to Facebook.......

   i got pulled over tonight and the officer asked if i'd been drinking. I replied "why do I have a fat chic in the car"?

   Hi, I'm Morgan Freeman. You're reading this in my voice aren't you?

   My G/F gave me a wonderful birthday present. She let me win an argument. Then took it away by never letting me forget it.

   If you go flying back in time and see someone flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact

   Facebook = Heavily populated city. Twitter = Just a vacation spot. Myspace = A ghost town.

   Life is like Facebook. People will LIKE your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.

   You know a girl just broke up with her boyfriend when she starts putting a million quotes on Facebook.

   Facebook says we're 'friends' but, trust me, I wouldn't hesitate to punch you in the face.

   Today was a good day. The mailman delivered my Billy Ocean cassette. Now I have finally fulfilled my Columbia House commitment.

   Like a good neighbor, stay over there

   If you are looking for khakis it's normally no big deal, but if you are from Boston and lose your khakis you need a ride home

   I always used to make fun of my ex about the sex tapes we made, but she was a good sport, she always took it on the chin.

   girls know everything except when a guy likes them..

   Me and the ex used to do a bit of roleplaying once in a while, Well, uhhh, lemme tell you this much.... that was the first and last time I ever used my "Sean Connery" accent to ask her to sit on my face...... :(

   I wonder what comes out when you vomit in a brita filter

   It's ironic that Barack Obama says "we shall not live in fear" as he stands behind bullet-proof glass making his speech at the WTC memorial.

   You have a choice. You can throw in the towel, or you can use it to wipe the sweat off of your face.

   Thou Shalt Not Contact People From Your Distant Past While Intoxicated

   why did stevie wonder stop writing songs? he dropped his pencil.