Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Generally, I'm a nice person. Just don't push the b**ch button.

   You can't change a Hoe Into a Wife just as much as you can't change a Player into a Husband.

   The sickening feeling of disappointment you get when a girl you have a crush on calls you "brother"

   Coffee and cigarettes together it seems are my homebrew version of Ex-Lax

   I am that little chocolate you find when you least expect it and need it the most!!

   you know your joke is bad when you cant even give yourself a thumbs up

   my idea of a situp is when I first get up in the morning

   I wonder if Sarah Palin could see Russia from on top of Glen Rice.

   Lead, follow, or get the heck out of the way

   It's difficult to have a committed relationship with a schizophrenic. They're always seeing other people.

   I'm pretty awesome at tripping over stuff that isn't even there.

   Obama checks Declaration of Independence.. fails to find National Treasure map on back.

   Study: 50% of Jumbotron Marriage Proposals.. End in Jumbotron Divorce.

   My dad pulled me aside today, teary-eyed. Told me to sit down.. I braced myself. He said "There's going to be a third Bridget Jones movie."

   "Chicken of the Sea" is both a delicious brand of tuna.. and the best way to insult a pirate.

   Many years ago, I was kicked out of the Beastie Boys for suggesting that partying was more of a privilege than a right.

   No one will be making fun of Chaz Bono, when Nancy Grace has a wardrobe malfunction on Dancing with the Stars and her Johnson pops out.

   A life vest - protects you from drowning. A bullet proof vest - protects from bullets. A sweater vest - protects you from dating.

   I absolutely hate when people pull onto a highway goin 5mph! Don't be surprised when you have a Ford symbol embedded in the back of your trunk a$$hole!

   I thought of Lady Gaga when I ordered skirt steak.