Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope with all of the cool technology they're getting from that crashed UFO in Area 51 that one day scientists will be able to develop reversible socks without the annoying seam in the toe.

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   Some watch football for the game. Some watch it so the commercials will let them know what questions to ask their doctor.

   I say they give all politicains the Federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour....See how fast things change then!!!!

   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

   I still don't know why they call it Virgin Atlantic. My plane was full of skanks who wouldn't take no for an answer!

   Congrats on ur Bar Mitzvah. Today you r a man, which you'll now illustrate by going apes*** over presents.

   Dear construction worker: After 637 washes, your orange shirt is no longer classified as "high visibility".

   Got held up at customs again. Think it might be because of my rock look.

   Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.

   I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?

   a sneaking suspicion that we've read this before. if you read them here 5 or 10 pages ago odds are we did too.

   would you lke a tampon with that status you moody b*tch

   Dont Ask Don't Tell policy is no more in the U.S. Military Time for a party I'll bring the beer you bring the rear

   Damn, my foot's asleep, now it's going to be up all night.

   Only in West Virginia would see a bumper sticker that reads "Proud parent of a nephew"

   Sort of rude to kiss your husband right in front of me when I've been looking at your boobs from behind a tree for 20 min.

   It seems like it's too early in the week to give up, but it isn't.

   I didn't change, My standards did.

   You can't always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.