Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am going to come out with a personal credit card reader and call it the "As swipe"

   A girl who only gives hand jobs is most likely the same b*tch who gives out apples on Halloween

   Back in the day. How long did it take people to catch on and realize that the one guy who implemented putting up his middle finger meant "fvck you"

   My Beta player just died, I guess I need to buck up and finally buy a VHS player. SMH!

   I don't care how old you are , if you don't respect me i'm not respecting you .

   Touch someone's hand and you make them smile. Touch their heart and you make them cry. Touch their @ss and you get hit with sexual assault charges.

   I watched Major league last night where Charlie sheen was known for his fast ball. Ironically.....he is now known for his 8-ball

   ladies, sure what you've been through is heroic. but what I've made you go through is Epic!

   Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets???

   Now a days I noticed that kids are eating their boogers. Not once have I ever looked at my own slimy snot when I was kid and thought it looked scrumptious.

   Recently engaged, now I gotta hold in my farts til we get married.

   Why are there some skinny girls modeling jeans on a Lane Bryant commercial?!

   honey, I gained some weight...now call me Mr. flintsone I can make your bed rock.

   Since when did snuck become sneaked, dreamt become dreamed, learnt become learned? What's next, kept become keeped, hung become hanged? Men like to be well hung, not well hanged.

   Chaz Bono doesn't have the balls to be a Male ball room dancer..

   Metaphorically Speaking...Beware of those self-absorbed people that are more concerned with the scratch on their car than the people in the car they hit

   sharing is caring, but I don't care

   Milky way is Snicker's nutless gay little brother.

   Omg.. Now they have cars you can plug into the wall.. Greeeaaat.. Just can't wait to hear.. "Goin shopping.. remind me to plug my car in.."

   OH NICE, so you can update your status via mobile, but you can't text me back?