Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Sorry, I didn't mean to break your liver.” – someone who is not an expert at breaking hearts.

   Yeah, you look smart but I don't trust my eyesight much.

   Music caters to every type of moment, mood and moron.

   Zombway....Eat Flesh.

   I don't have haters..I have confuse admires.

   If your problem has a solution solve it. If it doesn't, why worry about it?

   Superman's disguise sucks when I took my glasses off the police still knew it was me.

   tired of all the vegetarians thinking they are better than everyone: my food EATS your food!!!

   Excuse me Sir, you can barely fit in your car yet here you are trying to fit in a pair of skinny jeans?

   Don't take a good woman for granite.... trade something else for her...Granites expensive!!!!!!

   You look so beautiful I forgot how bad your personality was.

   Kissing a girl on her forehead is care, on her cheek is respect, on her lips is love, but kissing her in front of her boyfriend is GUTS

   Can somebody please tell these politicians that say "government doesn't create jobs" that they work for the government.

   Wendy's idea of a medium could save an African village.

   Stephen Hawking has a motor neurone disease that is related to amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, Thats not very smart, I wouldnt have done that!

   I quit my job at the compass factory, I just felt like I needed to go in a new direction.

   when people ask me if they are twins, Isay" no triplets", and I FREAK OUT and start looking for the missing one.

   Realistically most adults only need to know enough math to cheat the government once a year.

   As long as men have the ability to lie, I will never understand roofies.

   A dry sense of humor is better than slobbering all over the place.