Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why is it that men can shoot a deer between the eyes from 100 feet away but they always miss the toilet bowl?

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it while spending so much energy on recycling..

   ladies first is just a polite way of saying I want to know how tight are those buns..

   Let us cultivate love and compassion, both of which give life true meaning, just like beer and bacon...

   I have time to get a few hours of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick and meaningful....just like when I dream I am having sex...

   I'm gonna laugh if this satellite hit japan.

   Wonders why so many people are freaking out as a result of the Facebook changes. This may be a good indicator that what you really need is a life.

   Ladies, Don't ever tell your man that you don't mind if he looks at other women. He'll remember that sh!t better than his social security number.

   I hope men who treat women like sh!t have figured out how to suck their own tiny c0cks.

   "I'm extremely popular on Facebook" - Guy sitting alone at the bar

   It's the beginning of the drinken! (thirsty Thursday, effed up Friday, sh!tfaced Saturday, sure why not it's Sunday,) maybe Monday, try not Tuesday and WTF I already drank all week Wednesday. Repeat.

   I would like to make a Facebook page called "Deez Nuts," just to see how many people LIKE Deez Nuts...

   cont'd: I do not like your top news trends, instead of recent news from friends. It was just fine, but now it's pus, don't make us jump to Google Plus!

   A wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do.

   Admit it, we've all tried to splash water in our face like the commercials.

   I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I'm going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.

   My friends say that I'm gay because I don't like football. What a bunch of idiots. I'm gay because I like c0ck.

   A life worth living shouldn't be wasted on a life spent wanting....

   OK, so there's a news report of a very large satellite hitting the earth tomorrow...but of course, we have no clue where...NOW, In my opinion, it isn't rocket science to just place a SH*TLOAD of magnets in the middle of the desert....right?....JUST SAYING

   You don't OWN Facebook. Stop being a whining b*tch who can't accept a mere change. Do all your friends complain when you change the furniture around YOUR house...Deal with it. Its not your website.