Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need a job where I can punch stupid people all day.

   I just realized that I'll never see a genuine ninja...because if I do, it wasn't.

   Not too concerned about the past, but the present, that's a different story. Did you bring me a present? In the future bring a present.

   Some people message me and wonder why I've deleted them from my friends list. And I always respond "Even the trash gets taken out once week around here."

   Dear toilet paper makers, We've all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer. Sincerely, Our asses.

   My pimp hand is like Verizon, all it takes is one smack and you better believe that b!tch "can hear me now."

   To my neighbor dude who just saw me smoking outside without pants on: I'm sorry. To his wife: You're welcome.

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   Here's one for the women.......................... It's a 5-speed vibrator kind of day.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job? What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   I put the alcohol in Alzheimer's. Not in the word... I just like to get old people drunk. Then I tell them I'm their son and borrow money.

   I saw a guy with an eye patch today, so of course I had to ask him how the fun and games were before the injury.

   To all the women I've loved before, I have found someone better.

   Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.

   Starbucks now sells coffee in a 32oz size, called a "trenta"... For those of you who feel like having diarrhea ALL day

   whenever I watch an old 60's or 70's movie I wonder how cool it wouldve been to live then, then I realized 90 percent of what I do would take an hour on a rotatory phone and sending 5 letters a day...go 2000's

   46% of violence on T.V. occurs in cartoons.

   Before you repent, make sure you have sinned

   You don't have to get well soon. Take your sweet time.

   “Sorry, I didn't mean to break your liver.” – someone who is not an expert at breaking hearts.