Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   " A friend with weed is a friend indeed!!!!! "

   Some nights getting a 3-year-old to sleep feels a lot like trying to kill a Terminator

   The courthouse is a really great place to see people with neck tattoos wearing ties.

   Yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PULL UP YOUR PANTS!", just as your boss ends a teleconference is a fun prank but you can only do it once per job

   I wonder how much trial and error it took before the guy that invented "pull my finger" got it down to a science and stopped pooping his pants.

   had a fight with Mister Booze,and now I'm wearing tattered shoes,♪♫ Don't mess with Mister Booze, You always loose with mister booze ,don't mess with Mister Booze♪♫

   Did you know slugs have four noses? I'm totally going to dutch-oven one tonight.

   I just bought a trophy at a garage sale. I would like to thank my friends and family, the community of hastings minnesota, and my dentist. I couldn't have done it without you. RJ

   I know someone who needs a couple closed fisted high fives to the face. His name rhymes yore busband...RJ

   I don't know cupid but I met his evil step brother stupid who uses alcohol instead of arrows and causes one night stands..RJ

   The more pieces she's put out the less appealing her puzzle is to solve..RJ

   Global Warming!! Who cares if my Grand kids won' t see a Polar bear???. ... . . . . I didn' t see Dinosaurs either.. !!

   If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don't eat it: It's probably poison.

   trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

   ■a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?

   If tit for tat doesn't mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

   When I call a woman a "candy ass", I am not being mean, it just means that I have a sweet tooth

   I always wanted to be a comic. Not a stand up act...an actual comic. I wanna slap a blob of Silly Putty on myself and make a copy of me.

   cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool

   FB isnt the place to tell everyone your life blows..... everyone knows it the place where you pretend your life is awesome!