Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If anyone hears a loud wailing noises don't worry , it's just me paying my bills .

   Live everyday like it's your last because one day you'll be right!

   I'm not trying to be perfect, I'm trying to be better than I was the day before.

   The worst sight in the world is...SEEING YOUR MOTHER CRY.

   mad the only time people like stufff is if it's BAD... :\

   Chill bro, I don't want your girlfriend...actually, no one wants your girlfriend, that's why she's with you.

   Farts are the screams of trapped poo.

   Don't get overly excited whenever someone invites you over to hangout. It coud be you are just an option for when they are bored.

   I turn my pillow several times in the night because I like the cold side.

   People call me crazy, but you can call me tonight!

   Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   would someone please wake Green Day.

   BOY:"Would you wear socks if you had no feet?" GIRL:"Nope." BOY:"Then, why do you wear a bra?" GIRL:"Why do you wear pants?"

   How do you say "virgin" in Dutch? Goodentight.

   " A friend with weed is a friend indeed!!!!! "

   Some nights getting a 3-year-old to sleep feels a lot like trying to kill a Terminator

   The courthouse is a really great place to see people with neck tattoos wearing ties.

   Yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PULL UP YOUR PANTS!", just as your boss ends a teleconference is a fun prank but you can only do it once per job

   I wonder how much trial and error it took before the guy that invented "pull my finger" got it down to a science and stopped pooping his pants.

   had a fight with Mister Booze,and now I'm wearing tattered shoes,♪♫ Don't mess with Mister Booze, You always loose with mister booze ,don't mess with Mister Booze♪♫