Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not looking at you, I am looking past you.

   Nothing says "I'm a heartless,souless,low life,bottom feeding,inbred,motherf*cking scuz bag" like holding up a protest sign at a funeral.

   When I turn 69...(please feel free to finish this one)

   Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure..

   Certain people come into your life as a blessing, others as a lesson and a few as a punishment.

   Why do people have Spiders as pets? It's not like tarantulas are cuddly or anything. I refuse to have a “pet” whose secret fantasy is finally being able to wrap me in a cocoon.

   It's sad but Stevie Wonder's gotten so heavy he can't see his d*ck anymore.

   I hate it when some popular girl form high school goes on an on about her life. I'm like woman shut your hole. Your mouth's had more pr*cks in it than a tavern dartboard.

   Don't you hate it when you see a kid picking her nose in public and her Mom , who is aware, thinks it's “cute”. Makes me want to say “Eat it. It's finger licking good.”

   What the deuce!! Talk about a knee trembling, ball tingling experience 2 start your day! Natural Source mint and tea tree shower gel is awesome!!! :)

   Hello, I am the new Facebook Representative in your area. You can give me your check or money order for $29.99 a month for your account to stay actvie...

   Sometimes I meow back at cats.

   If you plan on meeting someone on facebook who has no pictures on their profile page. A word of caution. Better you should bury your face in Rosie O'Donnell's a$$ for 6 hours, than hook up with that monster.

   I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.

   When we set our clocks back, will that effect "Hammer Time"?

   An average person thinks he isn't!!

   IF YOU COPY AND PASTE SOMEONE'S STATUS THAT IS WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS, OTHERS NEED TO BEWARE!!! YOU JUST FAILED THE SOCIAL MEDIA IQ TEST, YOU MORON. THIS INDICATES THAT YOU ARE NOT PLAYING WITH A FULL DECK AND ARE MOST GULLIBLE AND PRONE FOR COMPUTER HACKING

   Did anyone else get prompted for payment for facebook?

   "Love is the more than the sum of yourself but rather the desire to be the sum of the person you love and yourself. It is far more rewarding to desire to do for the one you love more than you do for yourself."

   don't you just hate it when your mobile rings during a meeting and you have to wake up??!