Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If your depressed about the world, remember that sea otters hold hands so they dont float away while sleeping

   Looking to prank someone? Put Bieber tickets on really cheap & post their phone number.

   I hope one day I am wealthy enough to donate to every charity that sends me free address labels.

   I wonder if astronomers will ever find the opening credits to Stars Wars floating out there

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   Gore Vidal's parents set the bar pretty high for baby namin'

   If the NBA season is canceled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June.

   The final episode of Mythbusters should end with them proving they don't exist... and then vanishing.

   BREAKING: Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary sent to the Pennsylvania Home for Horrible, Awful Gingers

   Starting to think my fear of rubbing lamps is really hurting me in the genie-finding department.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   The old lady in line at CVS had a stray thread on her sweater. I pulled it and her entire central nervous system unraveled.

   If you make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 it will come true. Provided that your wish was to waste seconds of your life

   If I were homeless, I'd stand in front of other homeless dudes and hold a sign that says "He's lying."

   Love is always giving more than you can spare.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough

   I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"

   Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing. If you can see Gary Busey doing it, chances are you should not.

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now."

   People are so quick to shoot down my conspiracy theory that the Illuminati blew up the Challenger just to ruin Punky Brewster's dreams.