Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Foot fetish screw them feet!!!

   I don't understand how I feel like crap and am sick all the time when I drink 8 glasses of water a year like they tell us to .

   Instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud...

   I'd try Taco Bell's breakfast but I don't start drinking that early.

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the Dumocratic Convention?

   Even to this very day, I still can't remember that time I had amnesia.

   Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

   I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

   Guys lose their minds over a smelly, hairy hole that emits urine, blood and babies. Trust me, I'm one of those guys.

   Stinky

   My neighbors were up shouting all night. It got so bad I could barely hear my Bagpipes.

   I don't know if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   I'm looking to date

   Tony Bennett passed away. I heard he donated his organs.He left his heart to San Francisco!

   Attention model wannabes on Instagram: Doesn't it bother you a little that 99% of the men who drool over your photos have names written in Aramaic and Sanskrit?

   Local cover bands who think they're "it"... Drive 100 miles somewhere away from town and walk into any store or restaurant. I guarantee no one will recognize you.

   The answer may not lie at the bottom of a bottle, but you should always check.

   і wіsh you could doordash some of you people knuckle sandwіches

   Since we only have pop tarts and no mom tarts, Kellogg's is introducing, "Gender Neutral Tarts."

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say, “You hit like a sissy.”