Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Omg.. Now they have cars you can plug into the wall.. Greeeaaat.. Just can't wait to hear.. "Goin shopping.. remind me to plug my car in.."

   OH NICE, so you can update your status via mobile, but you can't text me back?

   Every time I lose my phone, it's always on either silent or vibrate. How convenient…

   Of course you can trust the government. Just ask a Native American how that worked out.

   Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle

   Reading someone's status and thinking ‘OH CRY ME A RIVER'

   Dear Eminem, Not only did you steal our name but we're both black on the inside too. Sincerly, M&M'S

   I will NEVER understand Twitter..Wtf is a tweet?! I'll Stick with My Facebook.. So take your #sign an Shove it up ur a$$!

   If my Grandad were alive and on FB he'd be posting the same 9 or 10 stories over and over and as much as that would drive me crazy I would give anything to see his smile and "like" his posts today.

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

   When I was a boy all I ever wanted was super sized tree house and a Jetson style Jetpack. But then my desires became more grown up over the years and now all I want is some dancing Hamsters from the Kia Soul commercials

   I used to think that there was this huge difference between Clowns and Mimes. But actually they all scream the same kinds of things at you when you spray them with Pepper Spray.

   Remember, they're laughing with you, not at you. They're only pointing at you so you know who they're laughing with.

   Boy, the way that guy whines about stuff is hot. Said no woman ever.

   Visiting your extremely religious Grandma can be a day full of uncomfortable feelings and guilt. This is because Grandma has a little Dogma that's obsessed with chasing after everyone elses Karma.

   What is it about stupid people that makes them think they are ALWAYS right, without exception?

   Just got fired from SuperCuts for suggesting we change our name to 'Shut the hell up. You're at the Mall. What did you Expect?''

   The human race as a species is done. People are actually thinking Nicolas Cage is a vampire. Hooray for civilization.

   Today a 5 foot tall grashopper spit in my face, I went to my doctor and he did tell me he heard there was a really nasty bug going around

   You wanna see awesome? Go to the nearest mirror and make eye contact with the eyes that look back at you :)