Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ever need to know who your real friends are just tell them you need help moving and see who shows up

   When you get out of a cab, always run in a zig-zag pattern!

   in theory, if you run around a tree at the speed of light, you could kick your own a$$!

   Life always play with us, when we are helpless..!!!

   #ThatAwkwardMoment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "Another One Bites The Dust"

   i kinda think the nintendo character mario was on drugs...he ate mushrooms & thought turtles were attacking & had to save the princess from the biggest baddest turtle of them all...this is why you dont do shrooms kids

   i dont wake up in the morning feeling like p diddy. I feel like crap -_-

   Broke up with my crossed eyed boyfriend.. because he was seeing other people.

   if I'm not sure wich one you are in the picture, I'm going to assume you're the ugly one

   vodka does for me what spinach does for Popeye.

   Hey Motels, you can take the "Color TV" signs down now. We know....

   “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

   When I win the lottery , the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.

   The Mayans were really talking about page #2012...

   why is it so hard to understand women, its like I have to sit with a notepad n pen and study these basturds.

   just gave the dollar to a cover for a bar with which I just did cocaine with

   I want my head stone to read: He was survived by his family and 672 Facebook friends.

   This cantelope scare is the first time men don't want to see melons

   Oh man! I just heard Obama is coaching our team tonight.. Some public relations gimmick. He's giving the opposing team our quarterback, wide recievers and linebackers in the interest of spreading the wealth around.. :-/

   a wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do