Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Luke, I am your Father...and your Uncle"- Redneck Darth Vader

   Putting on & taking off skinny jeans should be an Olympic sport.

   It's one hell of a crime if you're ugly with a bad attitude at the same time.

   MEN: Stop lying about what you do.. WOMEN: Stop lying about what you don't.

   I always pretend to see the babies in the Ultra-sound.

   You girls that say diamonds are your best friend, obviously never had a good D!ck

   I will never understand why people go out..Get drunk.. And by the end of the night end up putting their faces where people go to the bathroom....It boggles my mind!

   I won't ever drink nasty Pumkin Ale again. The taste makes me think of The Great Pumpkin standing at a urinal.

   Today in the car my nephews taught me that SlugBug and Perdidle weren't the only car ride punch games. There's also CruiserBruiser, RamBam, MustangBang, and ChevyShoves. So I made up the HumrBumr and the Haiyundai Chop. Uncles can do that you know.

   Catholic." ... ... ... He says, "Yes, I'm single & Catholic!" The nun kisses the driver then asks why he is crying. I lied. I must confess I'm married & I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin & I'm going to a Halloween party!"

   How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

   "Hi Welcome to Starbucks!" "Yeaaah, I'll have a Café- Mocha Vodka-Marjiuana Latte to go please." Um Sir we don't have that" Oh I'm sorry I meant a Pumkin Spice Latte"

   You've been rejected more times than the Chinese guy that stands in the mall food court trying to hand out samples of bourbon chicken.

   69 - Some may call it nasty but I call it a romantic dinner for 2.

   What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

   They say that the odds of the satellite hitting a human is HIGHER than winning the lottery... So what are the odds of winning the lotto, then walking outside and being hit by the satellite?

   IF MYSPACE and FACEBOOK have taught me anything... It's that when I become rich and famous, dont let ANYONE touch whatever it was that brought me to that point.

   if you want to post akward moment jokes and not have it redirect spell "akward wrong"

   the akward moment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "I will survive".

   am I the only one when my mom enters the room while I am on the computer, switch to goole and just stare at it?