Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend is a retard, but she has nice boobs...so it evens out.

   Tomorrow is of course the start of what most rock stations call Rocktober.

   Weird to think some people will have the word "cantaloupe" in their obituary.

   One day nursing homes will be full of ex-Juggalos trying to remember what their tattoos mean.

   Give a man an inch he takes a mile... give a woman an inch and she will laugh her f*cking head off!!

   Whenever a girl refers to me as "candy ass" I demand that she prove her theory by actually taste testing the product she is reviewing.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

   All I really want is someone to go out on an expensive date, but not order more that 5 items off the dollar menu. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!?!

   Anyone ever looked at some of the people you dated in High School that are now on Facebook and think, "Thank God, I really dodged a bullet on that ONE!?!"

   Aah, It's the weekend again. Time to gather the family around the computer or smart phone and read out my status updates for the week. Keep smiling my friends.

   Bacon is meat candy

   It sox to be you.

   I'm standing on the balcony throwing skittles at all the workout freaks running by. You're in shape. I have a balcony. And skittles. I win.

   My kid stole this 'Student of the Month' bumper sticker off your car and put it on mine. And he beat your kid's ass.

   Smoked a bag of weed and ate some Mexican food and now I've got a bad case of the sh!ts and giggles.

   Don't you hate when your sleeping meds wear off and the kid starts b!tching about being hungry. You're killing my buzz, kid.

   Just gave all of my McDonalds ketchup packets to the hobo on the corner. What? He might find a dumpster burger later.

   I don't call it being lazy. Using texts to get the kids to bring me up more beer is why they call it a smartphone.

   Ever worry that the sensors on those automatic toilets are actually little video cameras? Bet you are now.