Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Crowded elevators smell different to little people

   Wanted to treat myself to something expensive today..So I went and got gas for my car

   Met someone today at the dentist with only a dollar to their name all they could afford was buck teeth

   saw a man with one arm walk into a second hand store.

   Middle finger up to my old life.

   "Get off my Beach" First words spoken to Christopher Columbus by the Original Native American's

   Nothing fuels my alcoholism more than listening to friends talk about their pets as if they were children.

   It's always five o'clock in my liver

   A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Then again, we'd eat less hot dogs if they were called "pig lips & horse nipple tubes".

   During sex, anyone can say I love you, but only a few are going to stay and prove it.

   Nobody can tell you who I am or what I am all about. Nobody can describe me or explain me to you. Knowing me is something you will just have to do yourself.

   The best relationships are the ones you didn't expect, the ones you didn't wish for, the ones you didn't plan and the ones you never saw coming.

   When measuring your pen!s, you start from your prostate, right?

   Nothing like a sentence that goes nowhere.

   You are accusing me of talking about you behind your back? I am sorry; it's just that your a$$ and your face look the same to me.

   It might not be your birthday, but you need a spanking anyway...

   if I see someone say "smh" in a status, I automatically assume you mean "scratching my herpes"

   An apple a day keeps everyone away, if you can only throw it hard enough.

   Dyslexic man walks into a bra *Ba-Dum-Bum Tsss*

   My Pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Damn right, I wanna trade cards. I'll beat you with my Bulbasaur.... :p lol