Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate when people see me at a grocery store and say, "Hey! What are you doing here?"... I'm like "oh you know, just hunting elephants and stuff..."

   The most awkward thing you can hear from the guy at the urinal next to you..."Hey, nice watch".

   No! But id ok if she break up wif you if you talk like dis

   it ok 2 break up wid a girl if she forcibly makes you watch one of dose stupid twilight movies???

   A little league baseball coach got busted for molesting his 8-year-old players. What the hell? I was in little league. No one even tried to molest me. What was wrong with me? Was I not good lookin enough?

   I firmly believe that a man should never hit a woman. But come on, she changed the channel from Sunday Night Football to Desperate Housewives. I didn't have a choice!

   I don't know who has a worse lineup right now, the Mets or the Republicans

   I thought 'sex tape' was just slang for duct tape

   I can't think of a worse feeling in the world than when you realize your Caprisun has no straw

   You think you know a guy, then you sleep with his girlfriend, and all of a sudden his true colors show

   Obama says the GOP would cripple the country if they won the presidency. Well, at this point being crippled would be an improvement. I'd rather be Christopher Reeve than Terry Schiavo

   Put Party Rock Anthem as my Alarm so I wake up shufflin..

   I have a toothache. Sorta. Some chick with loose teeth was giving me skull and bit me. There's a bicuspid implanted in my c*ck.

   Google became a teenager today, so prepare yourself for it to become unreliable, moody, and unresponsive to your questions. Happy 13th BDay Google

   Phase one of my secret plan is to teach the squirrels to work as lookouts. Once that is in place, I order the balloons.

   should've known it wasn't going to work out between me and my ex. I'm a Leo and he's an A$$hole.

   Kinda cool seeing the page count here look like years we know!

   Happy 13th Birthday Google... I hope you find what you've been searching for ; )

   The 'Will be ready in 5 mins" of a woman and the "Will call you back in 5 mins" of a man are same thing!

   Clingy ex's are like toilet handles.Occasionally we have to flush many times to get some pieces of krap to just go away.