Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"

   My daughter came home from school and said that a boy showed her his pen!s. She said it reminded her of a peanut. I said, "Why, was it small? She said, "No, it was salty."

   If these walls could talk, they'd say "OH GOD, This HURTS! Get these nails out of me! Why did you paint me Mauve? Make it stop!"

   When I see a hot girl in a Movie or on T. V, I google her name to see if she has any nude pics.

   Women are completely cute and defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   In London, England The Big Ben clock tower is leaning, and it's getting worse. This Political Question comes to mind: Is it leaning to the Right or the Left?

   I'm not drunk. I'm just tired from.....ah who am I kidding, I'm drunk!

   Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can't wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie 5% - that's was a complete waste of money 85% - I gotta pee.

   ┏(-_-)┛┗(-_- )┓┗(-_-)┛┏(-_-)┓ EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'

   yes we know you are heartbroken but please stop posting all those sad youtube songs.

   Guilty people answer questions with a question.

   High Heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.

   I feel sorry for guys who are in relationships with one woman.

   Defensive Eating: Strategically consuming food for the sole purpose of preventing others from getting it.

   to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end ya get the faster it goes.

   dont substitute your dreams for the truth. Pay attention to what's right in front of your nose before it's too late.

   the 1st amendment gives you the freedom of speech but the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms

   It's hard to bury the past when you keep digging up old memories.

   Laptop speakers... too quiet for music, too loud for porn.