Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Passed out at 9pm. Woke up 10:30pm to sound of wife's vibrator. Went back to sleep.

   In bed and feeling all giggly. Hehe, cupcakes and boobies!

   Hey, what I do in my car at a red light is my business. Even if it technically did get all over the dashboard and the driver in the next car

   Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don't let the balloon touch the floor"

   She wanted something that went from 0 to 300 in 2 secs so I got her a scale...

   If you think your dog can't count, try putting three dog treats in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

   Driving on the highway a guy walking on the side of the road gave me a thumbs up I guess he liked my car.

   It's going to take a lot more than a few “LIKES” on my Facebook page to make me forget what an ass you were in high school.

   Today I connected all the freckles on my arm with a Sharpie. It spells out RIKSHAZ9LIRK. Clearly I am The Chosen One.

   "Roses are grey, violets are grey, cars are grey, red is grey, all this sh*t is just grey"-guy failing a color blind test.

   My telethon to raise money for starving children in Africa was a huge flop. I didn't know the TV added 10 pounds. Those kids looked fine. :(

   Christmas is my favorite four months of the year.

   Now you no longer need a vision exam at the DMV.......Now EVERY oreintal person will be behind the wheel !!! SMH

   Cop: Sir, did you know that one of your tail lights is burned out? Me: Well......I certainly wouldn't be driving drunk in front of a cop, now would I?! I'll get that fixed right away.......Thanks

   Greece.You will get your weather back when you have paid the bills.

   DADDY isn't defined as the man who makes the child, but rather the man who extends his hands and time to help with the child's needs, raising and giving his heart to love the child through anything. !!! BLOOD Doesn't always make you a DADDY! Being a DADDY

   I sound so good singing after a couple drinks, that my neighbors even called the cops to come and hear me too!

   Do you ever notice that when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual

   If I could only have a dollar for every 'LIKE' I receive ...

   Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare!