Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TO all you women that like to SCREW married men.......Im Available..!!!

   At the end of the day, I just want to be loved but at the beginning of the day, gotta get rif of this morning wood.

   Moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.

   I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.

   There's something fishy about this cucumber I'm eating.......

   There's no "I" in meat, but there's "me" and "eat", and I don't know how vegans can argue with that logic.

   Someone was a horrible person in their past life.. and was then reincarnated as my liver.

   when you were little and your parents closet looked huge. Now you have one filled and nothing to wear... so sad

   FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.

   Being funny on Facebook at 2 a.m. is like seeing a UFO... no one gets to see it or believes you.

   The show "Toddlers and tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   you know it wasn't always called bipolar, it once was called being a b!tch

   I liked you a lot more before I met you.

   I delete the recent history from my profile for the same reasons I don't go to church. It gives people the wrong impression and it makes Jesus roll his eyes.

   It's ironic that there's only one I in Forest Whitaker.

   My life wasn't complete until I met you,,,,,,, You COMPLETELY ruined it. Thanks...

   Who the f*ck threw this "work" thing right in the middle of my Facebook time? Am I being Punked?

   She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of 10 said their place.

   Rolling a piece of toilet paper up and sticking it in your ear and just letting it hang there makes it awkward for people to talk to you.

   If Monday had a gender it would be female... they are always a b!tch. If they were easy, it'd be a slut.