Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget the stocks. What's the market looking like on truck stop blowjobs? Competition is through the roof.

   I'm so old this is like the 10th time they said the world was going to end, and somehow I've always survived.

   Whelp I think I stocked up on enough coffee to hold me over for the next 3 years, but does anyone have a little milk for it I can borrow?

   Want to hear a coronavirus joke? Don't worry you wont get it.

   How absorbent is a cabbage leaf? Asking for a friend.

   That moment when you’re worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly.

   With the coronavirus I imagine they'll be a lot people staying home for Saint Patrick's Day, like a lot of Irish people normally do on I wannabe Irish night.

   Tom Brady leaving the patriots. He must’ve rubbed Kraft the wrong way

   Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending people never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   Nine months from now a boom of babies will be born, and we will call them Coronials!

   You know that stash of fast food napkins in your glove box? It’s about to be their time to shine.

   10th day without sports and I find a woman sitting on my couch, she says she's my wife. She seems nice

   People are so afraid right now… you could rob a bank with a booger.

   I have the body of someone that goes to the gym everyday. Unfortunately I also have the body of someone that never refuses a cookie.

   Maybe the next hoarded item will be laxatives...to use up all the toilet paper.

   One should not mock ones speech error when they them self make speech errors.

   Day 3 of my self quarantine. I just ate the cat.

   If you don't own a TV then how do you know which way to point the furniture?

   The supermarket's completely out of bread and milk. What is it going to snow?

   Google "African awareness dance for corona" and don't spread rumors.