Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gynecologists work at the gap.

   ‎...I just dropped a handful of skittles in the toilet and flushed..... it was like watching a Nascar race @ Bristol

   ...Unique is an understatement, I'm just plain ol' messed up.

   Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better...

   Why is "Children in need" always towards christmas time? Having to give gifts to the kids I already know is hard enough, but I have worked it out, their more happy with an empty box then the gift...

   Waking up after a night out and knowing you could write The Hangover 3.

   U know I bet people would become a lot nicer if they sold people tags like they sell deer tags. Once a year you can buy a tag and take out that 1 special person

   Becareful how you treat people.... for the toes you step on today may be connected to the @$$ you kiss tomorrow

   Can someone text me a in & out burger?

   Call me an artist, I draw attention.

   umm can I have a coke?” “is pepsi ok?” “I dont know is monopoly money ok?”

   I have Big Boobs, I am amazing at Call of Duty, and I can make a really good sandwich, Unfortunately I am a guy...

   Crowded elevators smell different to little people

   Wanted to treat myself to something expensive today..So I went and got gas for my car

   Met someone today at the dentist with only a dollar to their name all they could afford was buck teeth

   saw a man with one arm walk into a second hand store.

   Middle finger up to my old life.

   "Get off my Beach" First words spoken to Christopher Columbus by the Original Native American's

   Nothing fuels my alcoholism more than listening to friends talk about their pets as if they were children.

   It's always five o'clock in my liver