Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.

   I'm going to learn how to make balloon animals. just in case an emergency situation calls for the most annoying sound in the universe.

   "I am not such a dictator that I would shut down Facebook. I will merely imprision anyone who logs into it." ~ Muammar Gaddafi (people are serious you f**k with thie FB you die)

   Serving Size: Serves six adults or one ten year old.

   Theres no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance."

   There should be three options for facebook posts. "Like", "Dislike", and "Yep, I'm In The 95 Percentile That Doesn't Get It".

   My question: how did that monkey in Zanesville get herpes in the first place?!

   Can someone let Zanesville, OH know they still have 1 wild animal on the loose!! I think they call him Barack Obama........

   I'm damaged but I'll manage.

   Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

   If gay people are fruity, then straight people are veggies and bisexuals are tomatoes.

   I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you,"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin' large ones" is not the correct answer.

   It would be weird if you walked into your living room and chris hansen told you to take a seat.

   It's sad that we don't truly appreciate a person until they die.

   If you had asked me a year ago, “what do think is more important, the Cheese or the Cracker?” I would have said “Cheese”, all day…But now, I've come to the realization, that the cracker plays an equally pivotal roll for this prominent combinat

   When I hear a dumb, young, donkey say "I Ain't Scared to go to Jail!" That let's me know he's never been there.

   I wish my grass was Emo, so it would cut itself.

   Wondering if the inventor of the remote was clever or just lazy.

   Cellphones have made hide and seek meaningless now.