Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm gonna be your murder consultant. Motherfucker Jones. How'd you get the nickname Motherfucker? When I was a kid I snuck into my mother's bedroom. I've heard enough. I snuck up behind her and then slipped my fingersinto her purse. Purse, he said purse.

   I Had a dream of you! You were drowning and I could not save you. All of a sudden God appeared and said, Fear not my child, crap floats!

   If you whistle while you work, your enjoying work way to much!

   Irony of a woman – she spends hours putting on makeup, exotic perfume, expensive jewellery and outfit but when people finally look at her the first thing they say, "Wow nice a$$"

   i told facebook what was on my mind one day .. they had to reconstruct the whole page ... :'(

   I'll always keep you on my left because I know you ain't right.

   This girl came up to me and said she recognized me from vegetarian club. I think she was mistaken. I'd never met herbivore.

   Nothing's louder than a quiet bathroom when you have diarrhoea.

   Ladies: Your face is not a coloring book, so please go easy on the makeup.

   Most women conveniently forget their past, because they don't want to recall how many boyfriends they had.

   If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!

   The N-B-A lockout continues. Which explains the 8-foot man cleaning my windshield this morning.

   Snow white lived with all those men & didn't once do any "favors" to get out of housework? Now THAT's a fairy tale.

   Most signs that say there's 24 hour surveillance just mean the sign is there all day.

   Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks!

   Cashiers are always checking me out.

   If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.

   I used to use expensive, illegal substances to blur the lines of reality. Now, I just take off my glasses.

   The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.

   Reality is for people who can't afford high speed internet.