Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

   I made a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwich for breakfast. I left off the lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and bread.

   I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.

   Ultimate dad move: Tattoo a saddle on their leg.

   I don't usually play these games, but I'm bored. Fill in the blanks. Banks account #: Routing #: Name on debit card: Pin number #: CCV #: Expiration date:

   Jessie is a friend. He has a pet squirrel that brings him tacos. You know, I wish I had Jessie's squirrel.

   Name something you would say to a friend in 2020 who would think you were completely crazy if you said it to them in 2019 Copy and paste to see what your friend's say.

   The press can try to shove all that bIack BS down our throats all they want, but we're not swallowing any of it.

   I'm like Crisco in a can. White, round and filled with fat.

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   My Alexis doesn't always answer me when I ask you a question, and now I know why it talks like a woman.

   ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

   Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?

   If you are ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment.

   I don’t know who needs to hear this, but raccoons are terrible in bed.

   Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school

   The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but it sure gets your hands clean.

   Unemployment Offices just emailed me to be a truck driver. I can’t drive a vehicle let alone a transformer

   It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

   I think COVID-19 is just a ploy by Netflix to get people to stay in and actually watch Adam Sandler movies.