Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to shove your keyboard so far up your A$$ , your stomach can PM your colon about up coming events .

   Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons

   Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising

   Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you

   When People Say, "When I Was Little I..." And I'm Just Sitting There Awkwardly Like, "I Still Do That"....

   The Feeling You Get When You're Paying For Something And Can't Find Your Money...

   When Someone Asks For Candy That I'm Eating, I Give Them The Flavor I Don't Like

   In bed it's 6am, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, its 7:45. At school it's 11:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes, it's 11:30

   Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

   some song lyrics are just so wrong.. "I drove all night to get to you, is that alright? I drove all night, crept in your room Woke you from your sleep, to make love to you Is that alright?"...No Roy, it was not alright at all!!!

   When I see your face, there's nothing that I would change. LOL JK, I'd change the direction I'm walking in.

   My mom said to me "Guess whose washing the dishes tonight?!"...I Soulja boyd her & said "YOUUUUUUUUUU!"

   "Is there gonna be food?" "Yup!" "Ok I'm on my way"

   I hate when I shout the wrong answer out in class with confidence

   when I heard Gaddafi was found in a large dirty hole I instantly thought...'what a place to hide: Paris Hilton's private part'!

   having sex is just like playing the drums, the harder you hit the louder they get.

   I just had sex for the first time in long time. So long in fact, that I felt guilty for cheating on my sock.

   Two words that should never be together: Redneck Couture

   People say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

   Why do they advertise that something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.