Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guilty people answer questions with a question.

   High Heels are a man's invention to make it harder for a woman to run away.

   I feel sorry for guys who are in relationships with one woman.

   Defensive Eating: Strategically consuming food for the sole purpose of preventing others from getting it.

   to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I've been turned into a parrot!"

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer to the end ya get the faster it goes.

   dont substitute your dreams for the truth. Pay attention to what's right in front of your nose before it's too late.

   the 1st amendment gives you the freedom of speech but the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms

   It's hard to bury the past when you keep digging up old memories.

   Laptop speakers... too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!

   What do you do if your Kotex are on fire? Throw them on the ground and tamp on it.

   i can outsmart a lot of ppl on a computer...it's the real world that makes me look like an idiot

   I think the show "Toddlers & Tiaras" was named that way because "Strippers in training" and "Mothers with self esteem issues" just wasn't as catchy.

   tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save energy....The last time I tried it I ran over a guy on a moped!

   I made a hamburger so big tonight the top bun looked like a Yarmulke.

   I like how after the dental hygienist rapes my gums with a sharp ass needle the dentist complains how my gums look a little swollen.

   My feet must be gross. I can only get the wife to rub them if i'm wearing clean socks, but if one of the kids puke, she will catch it in her hands to avoid a mess.

   1 tequila, 2 tequilas, 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teuiqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklas, 9 trwqiukas 10 trewqiÃ...

   wants to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put push-pins in all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down.