flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Women spend all of their time deciding how to misinterpret everything you say.

   Time does not heal all wounds. Case in point, leave a gunshot wound untreated and see where that lands you.

   In line at CVS I leaned close to the lady in front of me and whispered "boots with the fuuuuur." Now she's gone and I'm next.

   Oceans, largest to smallest: Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Southern, Arctic, Billy.

   Parents, be nice to your children's teachers. They know more about you than you'd ever care to imagine.

   A video of me trying to get off a water bed would probably go viral on YouTube.

   Fact: All guys have at least one friend that they address only by their last name.

   If I ever find myself homeless, I would just go and live in an Ikea.

   Thinking about buying one of those mattresses I've seen on TV just so I can leave half-full glasses of wine on it.

   The Breakfast Club ruined detention shenanigans for the rest of us.

   Scientific fact: You do in fact have a wonderful Christmas time when you don't hear that awful Paul McCartney song.

   Bucket list item #26 Shoot at someone's feet while yelling "DANCE, VARMINT!"

   This infomercial says that with their product, I can chop potatoes "EVEN WITH A BLINDFOLD ON!!!" It's like they know EXACTLY what I need.

   Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. - The Opportunist

   How exactly does Al Queda recruit for terrorists? "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "Ummm....Dead?" "Good answer!"

   I always pull my shirt over my entire head when I get pulled over because cops tend to have sympathy for drivers who don't even have a head.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it

   Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span. Therefore, I am immortal.