Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.

   If you wake up from a night of partying with no memory of the night before, Do 3 things; 1.) Count your money 2.) Get tested 3.) Stay the hell away from where you were drinking because you probably pissed someone off.

   When you realize you just clicked "Send" on a text to the wrong person, and you quickly hit every button on your phone to try and stop it.

   All these years, I just realize........ Can someone please explain to me why the kids from Scooby-Doo were afraid of people in masks, but were totally cool with a talking dog?!

   I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

   B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."

   If I'm ever in a horror movie, most of the scenes will be me changing my pants.

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   Before I get into the shower at the gym I yell "Hey Fag!" If any one turns around I leave.

   Women, not all guys talk to you just because they want to get in your pants... Sometimes they want to get in your friend's pants.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.

   I stole this status... So feel free to use it and amaze your friends... They'll think you're really smart and sh*t!

   If you're reading this and you're under 12 years old... Don't grow up, it's a f*cking trap.

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.