Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girl is such a good cook that even the fire alarm cheers her on!

   Honestly, I think pregnancy test commercials would be a whole lot more authentic if they showed two single people high-fiving when it’s negative

   Someone said: "what night is the dnc swimsuit comp?" I concur. Would love to see AOC in a swimsuit and ball gag. 🤣

   Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

   A phone booth was perhaps not the best option for Clark Kent to change into Superman. He always emerged with his underwear on the outside of his outfit.

   As the weekend approaches remember this, " A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure. ”

   At Dairy Queen: Me: Medium Oreo Blizzard please. DQ: You wanna spoon? Me: Sure, when do you get off?

   They outta line wit these school supply list. Why my son gotta bring 4 new tires?

   We went and saw "Oppenheimer" Saturday night and when we left we heard a teenager say,"I liked Batman better!"? WTF did he expect?

   Knowledge is knowing that hot peppers are a fruit; wisdom is putting them in a fruit salad.

   I went to see Oppenheimer, but the line was really long and I was getting a little hungry, so I went to the Barbie queue.

   Sports Goal celebrations: Basketball: so common it’s boring. Baseball: HR gets you a high-5 Football: endzone tik tok dance so teeny bopper GF can post it Soccer: run, scream, slide, tear shirt off

   I'm amazed at how some people tend to overthink things without actually being in possession of a brain.

   One minute you are young and the next minute you are predicting the weather with your bad knee.

   Pee-Wee Herman died. In lieu of flowers, buy a ticket to the adult movie theater

   Why do gender reveal parties only surprise you with blue or pink? I've never seen anyone reveal the whole rainbow. Aren't people supposedly "born this way" ?

   Hello 911 a straight man is encouraging me to be my best self instead of bringing out the worst in me and idk what to do, send help.

   I'm not sure what Rage Against the Machine is a raging at, but it is probably a printer.

   Think about this: The most fun part of golf is when it's your turn to hit the ball. So why is it that the more turns you get the less fun you have?

   Anybody ever find out what the knights in white sat in ?