Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yes, I didn't get the halftime show. I also didn't attend an F-rated school, I'm not part of the 13% that commits 60% of violent crimes, and I know who to send the Father's Day card to on Father's Day.

   I'm gonna bake Valentine's Day cupcakes for a special someone today. That special someone is me.

   To all my friends who are committed: Happy Valentine's Day! And to all my friends who are single: Happy Independence Day!

   When you push a pull door and someone says, "You have to pull". Like yeah, my next plan was to start lifting it from the bottom.

   As far as the music featured in the halftime show went, how about that guitarist? Oh, yeah, there wasn't one. Hey, how about that drummer and bass player? Damn. Neither of those. Hold on. That keyboard player. Wow! Wha? No keyboar

   The same crowd claiming Kendrick Lamar had an important message, is the same crowd who ignored Martin Luther King Jr's message.

   Don't rush into a relationship. Be friends first. Maybe they have hotter friends. Thank me later.

   We're gonna have to paint potatoes this Easter ya'll.

   You gonna eat your butter? No one ever said.

   I hate when cashiers feel the need to check if my money is real. If I could counterfeit money, I wouldn't be at Dollar Tree.

   No matter whether you liked the halftime performance or not, one thing is certain. That dressing room stunk afterwards.

   How 'bout dem EGLSES!

   The NFL is rigged, and the halftime show is jigged.

   Look at it this way. Swift can now go back to doing what she does best... indoctrinating little 9 year old girls into becoming future man-haters.

   I'm really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. I'm really glad you can see 92 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now.

   Kendrick Lamar best new country artist

   Step 1: Go to a drive through. Step 2: Say "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me"? Step 3: See how long they'll read before realizing you can't drive if you're blind.

   So, USAID gave Egypt $6million to develop tourism. It's obviously a pyramid scheme.

   For $20 I’ll go to your ex’s profile and comment “the other one was cuter” on their pics

   On average, every person in the world has one testicle.