Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate the term chubby chaser, fat chicks don't run.

   Always smile and laugh in spite of your problems because this is the only life you will ever have and your problems won't matter anymore when you are dead.

   You don't necessarily need to be in a church on Sunday to find and talk to God. You don't necessarily have to make an appointment to see the Lord. God is always with you, no matter where you are, no matter what day of the week it is.

   I stopped drinking about you an hour ago.

   An old man sent his wife out whoring to make money and she only came back with $7.05. He said, "'who's the cheap SOB who gave you the nickel"? She said, "they all did"...

   Life's short... Find someone to spend it with

   3 out of 4 of my personalities say my medication is working fine.

   Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

   Redneck word - Aspect: she got done skinny-dippin', passed out on that deck chair, and had her aspect by a woodpecker.

   Stop, drop, and roll isn't just an effective fire safety tip, but it is also an interesting way to get out of a boring conversation.

   Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.

   Being a doctor is exciting than being a dentist, because if someone gets sick or is having a baby on a plane.You can help them & be the hero. But if you're a dentist, I doubt this ever happens: OH GOD THIS PERSON HAS A CAVITY! IS ANYONE HERE A DENTIST!?

   You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.

   I hit the 5,000 friends mark today. Which isn't bad, until you realize that I've been on facebook since 1872.

   I just conquered Duck Hunt! I'm such a gamer.

   my spider sense is tingling. Or maybe its just the tequila and beer mixing with the whiskey.

   gf,, wants more romance,,Does anybody know where I can get a noble steed and an unrealistic amount of stamina?

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   For Halloween this year I'm gonna tie a potato to my junk and go as a dictator!

   It's kind of funny that Shakespeare invented the word "swagger."