Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That depressing moment when your parents don't appreciate the hilarious child they have been blessed with :P

   You can't be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn't work that way. You're already hard to want..." -Peter Griffin

   Spongebob: hey can I talk with you for a second? Squidward: I dont know thats a pretty long time

   "Are you as bored as I am?" Read that backwards, it still makes sense.

   Guilty people answer questions with a question

   I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness, so I don't intimidate you ;P

   My life will not be complete until I've walked away from an explosion in slow motion

   You can't face the problem, if the problem is your face.

   I shall open my own deli and my slogan will be: "No one beats my meat!"

   Thank you exes I am the way I am because of u

   A new drug has been developed for lesbi@ns with depression. It's called "Trycoxagain"

   Mexican Word for the day is : CHICKEN ....Usage: "My wife wanted me to go to the store for her, but chicken go herself!"

   They had 16 and pregnant, now can we get an '18 and graduated' or '21 and Established?' Then again, y'all ain't gon watch that, shame.

   I attribute most of my good days to a couple of people with voodoo dolls canceling each other out.

   Note to self: Saying "Don't judge me!" doesn't go over well in court.

   I have to remind myself this weekend there will be many Halloween parties. So don't go by instinct and start shooting zombies in the head.

   Do you think you could drive better if I shoved that cell phone up your @ss? Talk or Drive... PICK ONE!!

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you're wearing today...

   They say money doesn't buy happiness but I'd rather cry in a Ferrari

   Before you kill yourself can you give me your Facebook password so that I can continue to post st@tus upd@tes after you are gone and scare the sh!t out of your friends.