Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All of us are tools to some degree. It's just that some are jackhammers and some are 1/4" nut drivers.

   This isolation was getting to me, so yesterday I decided to go jogging. Big mistake. My thighs kept rubbing together and my legs caught on fire.

   Face timing people vs seeing them in person during this virus thing is the same as eating pu$$y with a balloon on your tongue.

   Home quarantine going great so far but not sure what day it is or what hour it is and I’m not really sure where I parked.

   Dear, Sheep. Bear in mind that the medical health experts sounding the alarms concerning how we handle this epidemic, are the same people who can't figure out whether eggs are good or bad for you.

   I think I'm almost finished reading the internet. Any other good suggestions what to read besides the backs of peanut butter and hand sanitizer containers?

   Why can't we guys have simple, friendly conversations with women on Messenger without them immediately thinking we're in a relationship with them? Press 1 for pathetic.

   All countries have the Coronavirus, but China got it right off the bat

   Folks, can we stop arguing over what to label the virus? Here, allow me to break down the acronym... COVID-19: CO=Chocolate Oreos. VI=6 dozen. D=Dunk them in milk. 19=The avg. number of lbs. gained during quarantine.

   New Commandment: 11. Thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.

   Do you know who this Shelter in Place is gotta be hard for.. bullies. They are stuck at home, they can't physically intimidate any kids, must remain 4-6 feet from anyone. Time for us victims to stand up ..

   9 months from now the next baby boom will be called the CV19s and the top names will be Charmin, Angel & Scott

   Whelp now I know how Howard Hughes felt while self isolating, except for the little fact that don't have 11 billion dollars for food and toilet paper deliveries.

   If some of Ya'll streaming NetFlix in 4K 16 hours a day could leave us a little Bandwidth that'd be Great !

   Kenny Rogers checking out during an apocalypse is the biggest knowing when to Hold'em knowing when to Fold'em I've ever seen.

   I went to the bank today. I saw a man with a mask and gloves come in and thank God he was just there to rob the bank.

   can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

   Ladies, if I comment on your fb posts with the haha reaction icon, it probably means I didn't actually find it funny. It's because you're hot.

   It took George W. seven years to tank Clinton's economy. Now, it took Trump three years to tank Obama's economy. Best president ever!

   So Joe Exotic was the first gay man to run for president not Mayor Pete #TigerKing