Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you love someone when you talk to them on the phone while you're on the toilet

   Nothing like a mug full of caffeine and self-hatred topped with an overwhelming amount of regret to start your day.

   Soooo.... Justin Beiber is pregnant. That's gotta be hard for a 13 year old to go through..

   i hear bieber is expecting a kid...i wonder when justin's due date is

   If sex between 3 people is called 3some, between two people is called twosome. why is Handsome still a compliment?

   I <3 it when I come home & my dog does the happy dance, looks more like the lambada but wutever....

   Love starts with "You are different" & ends with "you are all the same"

   No one ever gets tired of loving. They just get tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, saying sorry & hurting.

   Don't let loneliness drive you back into the arms of someone you know doesn't give a damn about you.

   I hate when people ruin my status by commenting with their lack of humor.

   Boinga boinga boinga boinga (woman jogger) boinga boinga boinga.....

   I have restless leg syndrome and may not be able to stop myself from kicking your ass!

   I'm proud to come from a family of work-a-holics.....Everytime someone mentions work, we all get drunk! ツ

   You have 500 friends? No you don't. Ask one of them to randomly drive you to the airport.

   What's this I hear about some 19 year old girl getting Justin Bieber pregnant? Is it possible that 2 women can pregnate a child?

   Every tombstone has three things is common: the day you're born, a dash, and the day you die. And people wrongly put a lot of emphasis on the dates, but it's not the dates that matter most- it's the dash in between. It is that dash that is the measure of

   The secret to life for me plain and simple...is to not die.

   Her: I forgot to take my medicine. Me: For your face? Her: No, for my depression. Me: So you're not taking anything for your face?

   My best pick up line: Excuse me, but I think you dropped this two hundred dollars for sex.

   Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."