Funny Status Messages

   ur mom gay

   The difference between Andrew Cuomo and Osama Bin Laden is Cuomo kiIIed more New Yorkers.

   For some reason, I always thought Elijah Cummings and John Lewis were the same guy. ☻

   They need to change all of the street signs on my street. It seems that stop, yield and speed limits have no effect. They should change them to “safe Drivers save 40%

   2 + 2 = 46,783 -the CDC counting covid19 cases

   Here's a freebie Earthlings: treat Covid-19 as you would canine parvovirus.

   Why is that whenever the doorbell rings my dogs always think it is for them?

   Calm down! Walmart is just asking you to wear a mask and you can still wear your pajamas and leave your bras and teeth at home.

   So Wal-mart is making all customers wear masks now. Next thing you know, we'll have to wear pants too!

   I imagine a two year old having a temper tantrum as being the next statue erected honoring all those brave men and women who refuse to wear a mask.

   My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

   Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

   So this smoke detector is trying to tell me the battery is so dangerously low that it can only beep 4000 times?

   Joe B. always looks like he suffers from an intestinal parasite.

   ejaculate and evacuate

   If I were a rat, I wouldn't give my ass either.

   Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.

   Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

   Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper