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Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.
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03-27-2020 09:45
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
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03-27-2020 09:44
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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03-27-2020 09:44
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The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
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03-27-2020 09:44
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
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03-27-2020 09:44
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day 1 of quarantine: I have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
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03-27-2020 09:43
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[stuck at home] son: omg so bored daughter: omg so bored wife: omg so bored me: omg so bored dog: this is the greatest day of my life
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03-27-2020 09:43
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
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03-27-2020 09:43
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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03-27-2020 09:40
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Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...
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03-27-2020 09:10 by
Gabe
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I built my entire itch-cream business from scratch.
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03-27-2020 08:51 by
Rickster
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Last night I made the last of the dishes on the Huffington Post list of "25 Foods You Have To Eat Before You Die." So I guess this is goodbye.
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03-27-2020 07:21 by
Fazzy
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Too bad the Coronavirus doesn't act like elections. Mostly those who'll get it are in New York and California.
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03-27-2020 05:58
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This is the longest something made in China has lasted.
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03-27-2020 03:36 by
Gripenfelter
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Waxing places are closed, so carpets are growing back. Beauty salons are closed, so the carpets are matching the drapes.
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03-27-2020 01:40
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We need guns to protect ourselves from the Coronavirus.
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03-27-2020 01:30
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You're just not buying enough guns! More are needed!
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03-27-2020 01:24 by
Truman
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I think I had coronavirus back in November. Same symptoms and they couldnt catalog it.
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03-26-2020 22:28
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Funny how by doing the responsible thing by staying home the more homeless you look.
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03-26-2020 21:30 by
moon
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Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
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03-26-2020 17:50
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