Funny Status Messages
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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator 
My girlfriend's always helping me to keep fit. Every time she mentions marriage, I run a f*cking mile.
I feel less poor when I throw trash out in an old Target bag instead of a Walmart one.
Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children." ...Then the f*cking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!
Gentlemen, for the next 2-3 weeks the best pick up line at any bar is, "What's Call of Duty?" You can thank me at the bachelor party.
Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.
WTF. I grabbed somebody sexy and told them "Hey, give me everything tonight!" They called the cops, Thanks a lot Pitbull.
The super power I want is to make anyone sh!t themselves anytime... no matter who or where you are...
Clitoris is such a beautiful elegant word. I'm just a guy with a ballsack.
Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!
Teens: being tired is one of your personality traits.
I accidentally took my girlfriends birth control pills..... As soon as I'm done crying I'm gonna B*TCH you out....... Oh....... I love you! ♥
Some people look at a mousetrap and just see a trap for a mouse. Some of us look and see free cheese and a challenge.
Every time a Christmas tree is lit before Thanksgiving, an elf drowns a baby reindeer.
Don't understand why everyone is so excited about "breaking wind". Everytime I break wind people just run away!!
Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I'm gonna try to figure out why I'm so drunk.
Dreams are just fanfictions of your life written by your brain.
Lazy rule number 42: If it isn't on the first page of Google, it doesn't exist.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive...but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either". 